• Oh Maggie I Wish I’d Never Seen Your Face

    by  • November 11, 2014 • Heartbreak • 0 Comments

    I haven’t felt this nauseous because of you for a very long time. Which is a good thing and all but it doesn’t really change the fact that it’s still happening. So do you finally want the truth? You of all people know I haven’t been telling it but then you also knew I had my reasons for that. But here it is because two years is just too long to hold that in.
    Every time you say her name I feel like you just landed a good punch to my gut. Every single time. The only reason I could stomach meeting her was because at the time I could still, just barely, convince myself there was nothing between you two. But Thomas, you sweet thing, it is so obvious when you want someone, and you wanted her.
    And I wanted to be happy when you got her.
    But we both know how that ended.
    So to hear you finally admit you love her…that was a round of punches and a solid kick to the throat for good measure.
    It’s funny in a sick way the song you used to vent about her sums up pretty succinctly how I feel about you.
    I’ve spent the better part of a year playing off my feelings for you as, if not inconsequential, at least not particularly intense, but I get it now, that’s a fucking lie. Because I don’t spend time bawling my eyes out on the floor for mild feelings. I don’t forget how to breathe for people I just want to be friends with. And I don’t talk to anyone on a daily basis except you.
    You’re it. I don’t know how else to put it anymore. You’re the best I’m ever going to have and I can’t have it anymore and I need to learn to with that because what I’m doing now, what I’ve been doing for two years, is not living, it’s coping, and not great coping at that if 15 minutes of relationship advice and a Rod Stewart song is enough to trigger a breakdown like the one I had.
    And this thing where you tell me you’re in love with her, god, I can’t describe how that hurts, I really can’t, because it raises so many questions. How did you know for sure considering the ENTIRE issue with us was that you didn’t? Selfish questions. Why her? What did she give you, what does she have that I never did? Why not me? Why not me? What is wrong with me?
    I love you and I hate it. My life would’ve been so much easier if I had never seen your fucking face, never kissed you, never heard you say you loved me too. I can’t even say I’m at least grateful for the memories because I’m not, I can’t be, because they hurt, Thomas, it physically hurts to remember what we shared and to then remember you decided it wasn’t enough.
    Does that sound fucking familiar?
    Does that sound like what a certain Swiss girl put you through?
    Welcome to my pain, Thomas, you have at least two years to look forward to.

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