I have posted on here under a few names, mostly just ME.
But there are a few others and i felt time to be a little more specific to how i feel and define my presence. One day i will be able to write under my real name, that day i’ll also have made efforts to tell you again, tell you the passage of years hasn’t diminished my love. But i won’t dwell on that since it was the subject of my last post.
Why i am writing today is just crushing sadness. I heard that you found someone, and i do wish you happiness. But then a few days later i found i had no thoughts of you, i couldn’t “feel” my emotions for you. Was i over you then?
Maybe, i looked into my thoughts and still i saw you as beautiful but i felt nothing at all. I didn’t push the boundaries of that, i assumed maybe that knowing you were with someone had triggered some response to wash away the feelings and move on.
It hadn’t, as i sat alone yesterday i pondered longer and deeper, where had the feelings gone, i thought of you, the smile i always loved to see, i thought of women so hot and sexy but you, you surpassed them all still, i thought of the bad things in your life, and you being sad, and i felt a twinge of sadness i couldn’t comfort you.
I thought of the future, back when we were still talking how you’d spoke of plans and dreams. Ok we have never been partners but you shared directly or in my presence some things that showed your ambitions and wants.
As i dug deeper the gates burst open, i realised i hadn’t stopped loving, i had locked up somehow, i don’t know how because it wasn’t a conscious choice but i knew i loved you in every way there is, with the knowledge i would do anything for you no matter what you think or thought or did to me.
I remembered how a day could be miserable, both in weather and in the mundane daily grind, but when i knew i’d be seeing you i felt like it was a summers day and life was great.
I wish that you could see how i feel, feel how i see you, know, what i’d do for you and understand that i would not want anything back.
I would be so grateful to be in your life again, i wish God would deem it ok to let that happen.
I am literally a hollow shell, i have other things that are a part of me, but that’s like telling a man with no arms, he still has legs. He will never forget he had arms, he will never not wish he had them, never not realise they were a part of him. And i am like that, you were my arms, i have a prosthetic, to continue the analogy, but it isn’t the same is it.
And since we had nothing beyond friendship, i don’t even have memories.
I don’t know how to say it but the simplest form, i love you angel, i always will and i am sorry to have lost your presence in my life, my love is absolute and unconditional. I know now i can suppress, i just have to learn how, but it won’t mean the love is gone, but it is the only way i can grind out every day.
I will wait and wait and if ever a chance comes i will snatch it with both hands and i swear i’ll honour you and stand by you for always.
If life offers me no hope then i will hope i can at least see you on the other side, and though i am aware of the sheer terror and pain, i would walk into hell to rescue you if it needed. Yes i would cry in fear, yes i would be a snivelling coward against my darkest fears, but i would face them for you.
I hope to God whether this one or if you end up with another, that they will love and cherish you as i do, wake up every day grateful to be near your radiance.
You are inside and out, the most beautiful angel on heaven or earth, may God smile on you all the days of your life.
My dearest sweetest angel i love you now and forever xxx