There are so many things I’d like to say to you, and I have no idea where to begin. I need to know why we are in this place right now, why you can’t even give me the time of day. What kind of relationship can we have if you keep me in the dark? I honestly don’t even know if we are together anymore or not… and I keep wracking my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong. I shouldn’t feel that way, I bent over backwards for you. I haven’t opened myself up like that with anyone for years, I basically handed you my heart- my everything- and you are throwing it away. The more time that passes without seeing you or hearing from you, the more I confused I get. I don’t know how or if I will get past this feeling…
I’m heartbroken. I was falling for you. I damn near told you I loved you!! I felt like we were just so perfect together, even with our pasts. (I do have to admit, you know less about mine than I do about yours.) But even so, I loved you. I know I did. I still do, and thats why this hurts so much. I want to be with you so badly, but at the same time I can’t be with someone who doesn’t even respect me enough to tell me whats going on. How am I supposed to know if you won’t let me in? I’m just so confused… Do I try to wait for you? Do I pack all your things up that you left at my house and drop them off somewhere for you to get? As much as I want to see you again, I know I will fall apart. I can’t have you show up at my doorstep to get your things… I can’t handle that.
I’m angry. At you and at myself. I’m angry at you for being so perfect, for making me fall for you so quickly. I’m angry that you aren’t giving me any explanations. Do I not deserve it? I know we weren’t together for very long, but what kind of man just stops talking to his girlfriend? You stop coming over. You stop calling and texting. When you do talk to me, its short and cryptic and just leaves me confused and upset…. I’m angry at myself for letting my walls down. I’m angry that I listened to my heart instead of being more careful and listening to my family and friends…. I used to think the day I met you was one of the best days, and now I question that… I’m angry that I let you into my heart and home, only to be left with nothing but memories I can’t run away from.
I’m confused…. did you ever actually care about me or was I just something to pass time? Was this a game to you? Was I just a rebound?? I never went into detail about my past relationships and heartbreaks, but I told you enough for you to know I had been hurt before. Enough that I had a hard time trusting people and letting them into my life. You said all the right things and I was too blinded to see that I could end up being hurt again. I can’t take it anymore. Its not fair. I find myself wondering if maybe you were just seeing how much you could get from me. I did everything for you.
I miss you. I miss the way you would walk in the door and you came over to me without a word and just kiss me. You’d tell me that you missed me and that you had been waiting to kiss me all day. I miss just listening to music and listening to you sing to me and hold me. I miss the way you look at me. I miss your laugh- I loved the way your nose would crinkle when you would think something was so funny and ridiculous at the same time. I miss sitting on the porch with you, watching the traffic go by as you told me about your day. I miss watching our tv shows together… even if I fell asleep before it was over. I miss laying next to you in bed and cuddling before we went to sleep. I miss waking up next to you. I miss everything about you.
I just wish I knew what you wanted… what you were thinking. I miss you so much, and I feel stupid because I always end up falling for the wrong person. I just really wanted you to be the one. I felt a connection with you…. it was just so easy. I still want that with you, even through this, even though it seems you don’t want me. I sent you a message the other day… saying I had all of your things ready to go whenever you wanted them. I offered to drop them off and said you would never have to see me again. I almost wish I hadn’t sent it. BUT. Thats how I feel. And if I don’t let you know how I’m feeling then I’m going to be stuck in this never-ending wonder. Maybe it was the right thing for me to do, and maybe it wasn’t. I finally hear from you, and from a different number… all you said was “I think we need to sit down and talk sometime… if you want to”
I’m scared. I’m not sure if this talk you want to have is a good or bad thing… obviously its good in a way because I might finally understand what happened, but will this bring us back together or is it the talk that means its over. I’m afraid of finality. I’m scared to lose you…. but I can’t make you love me. I suppose I will find out whenever we have this talk…
I really hope we are going to be ok.
I do love you. Please don’t leave me in the dark.