Where do I begin?
I have made the biggest mistake of my life. I have lost the one girl I have ever truly loved. The most important person I have ever had in my life is gone. I would not wish this feeling on my greatest enemy.
I had it all. I had an amazing girl who cared so deeply about me, and me about her, but I was too scared to do anything about it.
It all began my senior year. I still vividly remember the first day she walked into class and I turned to my best friend and said, ‘I’ll at least have talked to her by the end of the year.’ Talked. That is the highest goal I had for myself, I just wanted to at least speak to her. With a girl so beautiful I didn’t think a guy like me could expect much more. But I was wrong.
I decided to pull a coward move and message her on Twitter instead of approaching her in person. Lame, but it paid off. After only a few days we had a date set up to go to a Red Sox game together, along with two other friends.
I have never been so nervous. In the days leading up to the game it was all I could think about. What would I say to her? What if I make a fool of myself? What if she doesn’t like me? Luckily the game went well, and on a bus ride on the way home I pulled my first move and put my arm around her. It’s amazing how much something so small meant to me. Her head resting on my shoulder brought me comfort that I had never known before, and never wanted to lose.
When we finally got back to my car, something awful happened. We had an encounter with the police, which didn’t end horribly but it did not end well either. I was so embarrassed. I thought I had ruined everything. There is no way she would want to be involved with somebody who gets themselves into serious trouble on the first date. When I got back into my car after the whole ordeal, she reached over the seat from the back and placed her hands gently on my shoulders.
It was at this moment, even after knowing her a short while, that I knew I was destined to be with this girl. Destined to fall in love with her. Her embrace reduced me to nothing. I wanted to break down in her arms and cry at that very moment. But I couldn’t.
Lucky for me, we continued to talk, continued to grow closer, and I continued to fall for her. Hard. This scared me, and ultimately was my demise. I had to leave for college in under a year, and for some reason in my mind I could not commit to a girl knowing I had to leave. I could not deal with a long distance relationship.
We continued to see each other. I loved spending time with her, being out with her at parties, even just texting her. My friends could see it too. They used to make fun of me because of how giddy I would turn whenever I saw her or she was mentioned. I wish I knew then what I know now.
Multiple times she brought up the idea of dating, but I always rejected it due to me having to leave. It was never that she was not good enough, or was not the right girl. She was perfect. She is perfect.
I loved the nights when she slept over. I cannot describe the feeling of falling asleep with her in my arms, and waking up to her beautiful face the next morning. Nothing could compare.
We had plans to go to my Senior prom together. I cannot explain how nervous I was for this. I can’t dance for the life of me, she is going to think I am an idiot. However, we got into a fight before prom arrived. And through a complex, strange series of events I ended up going with a friend instead. This is one of my biggest regrets.
The night of prom she was all I could think about. I knew I was there with the wrong person. I knew it should have been her. Even my own mother told me what I was doing was wrong.
After the fact I was able to patch things up with her, we were able to continue with our very complicated relationship. We continued to see each other over the summer, and it killed me inside knowing that soon I would have to leave her.
It was over the summer that I realized how much I really cared for her, and that I was in love with her. Nobody I have met in my life can compare to her. The feelings I developed for her can compare to no others I had felt before.
On the morning of June 22, 2014, I awoke to the news that my best friend had passed away in an accident the night prior. I was a mess. She texted me and consoled me, which I am extremely grateful for. It was this day that she finally used the term, ‘I love you.’ However, my dumb naïve self was too stupid to realize the extent which she really meant it. With everybody telling me that they loved me that day, I viewed it as another ‘everything is going to be alright’ use of the term, not what she actually meant. Not what I was actually feeling as well.
I loved her to death. I love her to death still. From the Red Sox game on I knew it was coming.
I never told her. I never told her many things. I never told her how I felt, how I viewed her, how much she meant to me. Another of my biggest regrets.
In my mind she was my girlfriend. There was no definite label, but that is how I viewed her. I even referred to her as my girlfriend when my family members asked if I was involved with anyone.
At the end of August I left for college. We still spoke often, and I saw her the first time that I came home. I have never been happier. I missed her so much and just to have her touch back was such an amazing feeling.
This is when I began to realize that I cannot let her go. I cannot lose this girl. The ideas of dating her began to enter my head. I talked to all my friends about it, and they backed me. I was so close to finally doing what I so desperately wanted. Finally.
Until one day. She told me she was talking to somebody else. This tore me to pieces. I was completely heart broken. I begged and pleaded for her to give me a chance for days, but she claimed I had waited too long. And she was right.
Eventually I was able to persuade her to give me a chance. A chance that I know I did not deserve. I came home for one weekend and saw her the second I could. I have never felt the way I did when I was kissing and hugging her in my driveway. The butterflies in my stomach were unreal. I have known this girl for over a year, but I still get nervous every time I see her.
Over the weekend we went out to breakfast and came back to my house just to hangout for the day. It was then that I finally asked her, the girl of my dreams, to be my girlfriend. And she said yes. The feeling I had was unbelievable. She was finally mine. Completely mine. You did it. Or so I thought.
I told all my friends about how I had a girlfriend, and how proud I was of it. Then Sunday came, and I had to return to school. Saying goodbye to her was extremely hard. If only I knew that this would be the last time.
On Tuesday, something awful happened. She told me how she did not feel that things were the same, but I felt they were so much better. She tried to give me a chance but just could not do it. I was broken. I was empty. I finally believed I had a chance to prove to her that I could be her everything and give her everything that she ever wanted from me. I was wrong.
Since, we have barely spoke. She has returned talking to the same guy from prior, and I do not know what to do with myself. I spend every day thinking about her, and every night crying over her. I have tried to talk to her, but she pushes me away. She is pushing me out of her life.
She claims she still wants me to be a part of her life, and we would still talk every day. I haven’t heard from her since. Whenever I see her name anywhere I break down. I was spending Halloween with my boys, and I saw a picture of her on Instagram. Immediately, I put my head down so my friends wouldn’t see, and began to cry. Never has a girl affected me like this. Never have I lost something that means so much to me.
I am depressed without her. I do not feel like myself. I dread every single day. Whenever my phone vibrates, a little piece of me hopes that maybe it will be her, but it never is.
I always find myself typing out text messages to her, telling her how much I love and miss her. I never send them. I know my efforts are futile.
She claims that she does not think this is the end for us, she claims there will be another chance. I cannot believe this.
I screwed up. I lost the most precious thing to ever enter my life and now I have no idea how to handle myself.
I cannot get over her. I cannot move on.
I was so worried about hurting myself by getting so attached to somebody before leaving for college, that I never took a second to think about how she felt. I am so sorry. I am so selfish.
I hope she finds the happiness she truly deserves.
Kristina, I am so extremely sorry for any hurt that I have ever brought to you. I love you so much. With every ounce of my being. I hope one day we can be together. I need you.
Where do I begin?