• How could it be me, when it was always you?

    by  • November 11, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 1 Comment

    As long as Ive known you, Ive admired you. Of course romantically. But also in a purely objective way (or as purely objective as I can be about you). Ive learned so much from you over the years…about life, about love, about myself. Thank you.

    You could have (and probably should have) quit on me along time ago. God knows if the situation was reversed I probably would have. But you are stronger than me. You always have been and you probably always will be. Sometimes I think I try to siphon some of that away. I know its selfish. But really I just want to be more like you in that regard.

    You know I think Im pretty smart. I would never say this to your face, but I actually think youre smarter. You displayed the depth of your intelligence to me in waves. At first I noticed your witty remarks and Sly Comebacks. As I spent more time with you, you started impressing me with your random knowledge. I dont mean random like its a bad thing. Just that like one day youd be telling me about Russian geography, the next day it would be 16th century philosophers, and the day after that it would be 80s pop icons. I remember always thinking to myself “how does one person retain all this information about so many subjects?” The biggest thing I noticed though was just the way you interacted with people. Youre very…people smart, if that whats you want to call it. One of the first times we talked you tried to tell me you were an introvert; but I never really believed you because you seemed just as comfortable in a crowd as you were 1 on 1 with me.

    I mentioned your strength earlier, so I guess your toughness wouldn’t be anything new to this letter. But underneath your sometimes leathery exterior, I found you to be one of the most caring people Ive ever known. If it was a social or political issue, no one would be as passionate an advocate as you. But, obviously, it was more important for me to see how you cared about me. Sure, there were some more notable incidents where you really had my back, protected me really. But just as meaningful were all the little things you did for me over the years…things I probably never told you how much I appreciated. It could be something as simple as noticing I was losing alot of weight because of stress. Or the little gifts you would give me from time to time. Ok maybe there was really only one (it was orange)…but it was so unexpected that it really meant alot. Yes, I still have it. I dont think Ill ever throw it away. Future partners may ask me where I got it from, but Ill never say it came from you because I want to keep it forever because its so special to me. There are so many other things youve said or done for me. I dont want to get into detail. I just want you to know that I still remember, and it all still means alot.

    I dont think Ive asked you how youre doing in awhile. Im sorry, I get caught up in my life far too easily. But I really hope youre doing well. Thats how I always imagine you, happy and smiling with the sun shining and the birds chirping. I dont want to think about you having bad days, or struggling with work, or friends and family. I dont want to think that you cry when life gets too hard. Because if you do, then it means that Im not there for you when you need me to be. That hurts alot. But honestly, I think I can understand why you dont feel safe coming to me. It really doesnt matter If I think you should trust me; only whether you actually feel like you can.

    Whatever youve thought me as, I havent always done a good job of it. But, at least on the positive side, I have someone to look up to to help me be better.

    I guess all I can say is…

    You’re the best 🙂

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    One Response to How could it be me, when it was always you?

    1. J
      November 11, 2014 at 10:45 pm

      You should say yhis to them. Lovely letter!



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