• Dear Jake, fuck you.

    by  • November 11, 2014 • Anger • 0 Comments

    “I’ve got ice in my veins, blood in my eyes, hate in my heart, love in my mind. I’ve seen nights full of pain, days of the same. You keep the sunshine, save me the rain. And I search but never find, hurt but never cry. I work and forever try but I’m cursed so never mind. And it’s worse but better times seem further and beyond. The top gets higher the more that I climb. The spot gets smaller and I get bigger…” This is how I felt before I became revengeful in a way that would bring me all the success in the world. I can’t say I found a man to love me out of spite for you not loving me enough… But I can say he found me at the most convenient time of my life. I never wanted you to be unhappy, and I never wished revenge in a way that would result in your demise. I just want to be so successful that one day you will see me with my beautiful family, perhaps outside the home my husband built with his own hands and you would weep at the chance you once had. 22 has been a whirlwind for me. I started out the year with you, shortly to lose you and then to find what I really wanted with you all along…only not with you. Am I disappointed? Of course I sometimes look at your picture and cry for the love we once had. I wanted us to have a life together. I was willing to love you despite all your flaws. But I’ve come to realize you don’t always get what you want. Sometimes you get something else that’s much better. So now I realize I wanted someone willing to love me despite how hard it was. You’re only with her because it was more convenient. I was always to young, to free for you. Your family didn’t like me they wouldn’t understand what we had for so long. You were afraid to venture outside of your comfort zone and be a part of something that was beautiful and new. Well its never easy for Conor and I.. His family hates me, we were dirt poor considering I had just uprooted my life and started over to be with someone who tossed me aside. But he promised me if I would just believe in him that he would give me everything I wanted and deserve. And now I live in a bigger and nicer house than you, we are pregnant with a child I never thought I could have and I just found out I am probably going to get a job with the federal government making more money than you’ll ever make. It’s almost comical. You thought it would never work out but you were the one who wasn’t working out. You were to weak to give us the life we wanted and the life I deserve. Now where are you at? Marrying a girl you only decided to marry because you knocked her up and you aren’t even having the child. But you chose that and you will have to live with it or start over and hope there’s a 3rd person in this world willing to take the emotional abuse you put women through. I’ll never fully understand why you ever pursued me.. From the beginning you hid me from others like I wasn’t up to your standards. I’ve had to sneak in your window, out the back door, keep my love for you a secret. And why? I’m a better woman than Shayna could ever aspire to be. You just didn’t give me a goddamn chance! I’m a biologist now for Christ’s sake! I only wish Conor could tell you how well I take care of our family. In the end I guess I should thank you. By crushing my heart and leaving me behind you enabled me to find a man who truly appreciates everything I have worked to become. I always said I could never hate you Jake.. But how could you chose anyone over what we had? Some part of me believed in you despite the fact that I know you are just fucked up inside… I thought love was something magical and despite all the odds in the end you would chose me and I would be able to give you every thing I always wanted. You didn’t just string me along for years Jake. You didn’t just hide me from your world. You didn’t just leave me for Shayna. You destroyed my self esteem. You made me feel like that girl that would always be the other woman.. Like I would never get to be the wife someone comes home to. The place in my heart for you was only inhabited by you when it was convenient… And all other times it was full of Xanax, liquor and loneliness. The day I moved into my apartment at stone creek it was bittersweet… I had no one to help me, no truck, no money. And this guy offered to help me. On his afternoon off, in the cold and rain, he helped me pack up all my stuff from my ex’s apartment and he moved all of it by himself in his truck. He wouldn’t accept gas money which was good because I didn’t have any to give him. I could tell he liked me but I was still so sad.. I wanted stone creek to be a new beginning for you and I. But I thought hey fuck it if this guy is nice enough to do all this shit for me when I’m not even fucking him the least I can do is cook him dinner. And so I did, we sat on the floor and ate on paper plates since I lost everything when I left Justin.. And he told me that he had never had a woman cook him dinner before. My heart ached because more than anything I wanted to cook you dinner. At that moment I realized it was your loss. And I’m happy to say that man is the father of my child, my fiancé and probably the most appreciative man I’ve ever met. You fucking blew it. I always said I would be right here waiting. Fuck that and fuck you, fuck Shayna, fuck your family for whatever reason you didn’t think they would accept me. I’m sure Shayna hates my guts but what she doesn’t know is she stole you right out from underneath me. And she can fucking have you, she can have the lies, she can have the secrets and the heartlessness. She can have your inability to commit, your insatiable sex drive, your constant need for more. That’s her bullshit to deal with. You emotionally abuse women Jake. There’s no fucking reason for you to fuck with people’s heads like you do. Oh you’re all fucked up on the inside? Yeah join the fucking club. I’ve watched everyone I love die or leave me. I’ve had the shit beaten out of me by a man that pumped me full of drugs and raped me more than once. And yet I was still always able to love you. And to top it off I had the love of my life leave me and never fucking have the courage to say goodbye to my face. You’re a coward and you don’t deserve me. I hope you think of me everyday of your life. If you ever come back to me don’t even work up the courage to knock on my door, instead just look in my window and see my happy family and realize I’m so much better off without you and then be on your way. I’ve been so nice to you despite all the awful shit you did to me but now I realize I was a fucking tool. Romance and love are being there for someone, being loyal to them and providing for them. Loving them despite all the odds and never giving up. I loved you I really did. But now that I’ve had to do without you I guess I finally realized you were bringing me down. Fuck you for never giving me the chance to say this to your face and slap the shit out of you like you deserved. You’ve ignored me when I tried to get in touch with you which is chicken shit on so many levels. Well in case you never got the message because you blocked me, I had chlamydia after I left you and since I’m not a disgusting slut like you I’m sure it was from you or my current partner. Either way you may want to go have someone stick a swab up your dick and have that checked out!

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