• You Should Have Known

    by  • November 4, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 5 Comments

    Dear Everyone I know,
    It’s amazing what a smile can hide isn’t it? For two years I have had to live through this and not a single person has ever come close to knowing what I think about daily. In case you didn’t know, what you say to me I will remember forever. I can tell you what kids used to say to me in 2nd grade to make fun of me. Because words do things like that, they stick and they never ever go away. Words left unsaid are the worst. So here’s what I always have wanted to say but I haven’t; the consequences of it are horrible.
    I am suicidal. I am depressed. Every single day is a battle for me and it is so hard to fall asleep at night and hope to wake up in the morning. I planned my suicide out so many times, I’ve had pills in my hand. I’ve had a rope dangling in front of me. You see, I’m not this happy girl you think I am. I never truly have been. My whole life is a lie. It always has been because I know if anyone knew this, I’d be sent to counseling to try and get “better”. But there is no better. What really is better?

    So if one day you don’t hear from me, you now know why.

    5 Responses to You Should Have Known

    1. Jason
      November 6, 2014 at 7:21 am

      For those of us who don’t know but do care please just listen for a moment. I have been living a lie for 45 years and only found out 3 years ago. I don’t and can’t know what you have endured but I do know there is a hat for every head and a better plan than ending your life over what seems to be an insurmountable problem. I have been given a chance to change my outlook from driving down the highway and staring at bridge piers wondering if I just flicked my hand a bit the pain would cease. You obviously have passion within you, a trait that is worthy of giving a chance to blossom. Even if you are just venting to relieve the inner turmoil, expressing your inner passion is a thing of absolute beauty in it’s ability to provoke the passion in others. You did it to me….. We are kindred spirits and no matter what our defects, real or perceived, we are gifted with other attributes to compensate. Nature abhors a vacuum. Pills,ropes, or bridges are seemingly an quick easy answer to a lifelong question, but they are not the answer or even an answer. Pour it out on me and those who do give a shit whether your here or not. In just reading your pain, I know it would lessen the worth of all of us if you were not a part. Give it a try, I won’t judge or laugh, just listen and respond if asked.

    2. me
      November 6, 2014 at 8:02 pm

      Hey 🙂 thanks for posting this.. I have no idea what you’re going through and how much pain you must go under and I will not try to minimize it. People are usually blind to others pain because of their own, we’re selfish. Those who see it are afraid to speak out or point it out because they won’t know what to do. Please don’t take it to heart,please don’t kill yourself.
      Truth often does not seem real and sound like more of a lie than lies do,but truth is that you are beautiful and loved. And your life has meaning,though it looks meaningless now. Do not give up. Better days will come! You are strong. And loved. You can do this 🙂 xox

    3. you need to change your view
      November 7, 2014 at 11:28 am

      By a cat or a dog. They will remind you how easy and joyful life can be.

    4. Britney
      November 7, 2014 at 11:43 pm

      Dear author
      Many people feel like you do so please dont feel less of yourself for this. Some days are good. Right now it feels like most are bad. But please realize you are here for a purpose. Maybe you havent found it yet but one day you will and the darkness will lighten some. Allowing others to really see you is a great start to winning this unfair battle. Allowing people to comfort you shows strength. And although i dont know you i would love hearing from you every day. So please know that and never give in. You can overcome these feelings. So if that one day creeps up that you think your times up you tell that day to kiss your ass. Just as you find yourself needing people theres also people that need you. I need you to find your way out of the dark so you might one day be the light aiding another out of their darkness. Depression sucks and sometimes it takes a group effort. Please dont leave the group.

      Positive energy and love to you dear author. I hope you find healing soon.

    5. Someone you don't know
      November 8, 2014 at 6:17 pm

      I know, and i know two things, there are many reasons why we may consider death, do not let bullies or failures be the reason, i have come close myself, tried once and failed. Luckily, wished for it another time but had a link that kept me here, my child, and that was my tether.
      But i have been bullied and what i did is decided FUCK YOU!
      I chose that if they beat me i would get strong so i could take it and one day maybe get the courage to hit back and hard.
      I decided to learn put downs and learn to beat the bullies who use words.
      When i failed at a particular job, i decided to read books look for vulunteer work, anything to get my knowledge up.
      My fuck you, it was to be a good thing, i know that choosing to do something only changed certain things, i couldnt make someone love me, make someone give me a job, make me win a fight, but i did improve myself and became more than they will ever.
      Do that too, dont forget, just get stronger richer and mentally much cleverer, it may take years but do it beat them all.

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