Or did you forget? I certainly can’t. 6 months today. 6 fucking months already. Time flies when you’re missing your other half.
It’s been a hard 6 months for me. Being super busy has made it a little easier. When I can immerse myself into my work, I can stop thinking about you for a little bit. I guess in general, my thoughts and dreams of you are decreasing in frequency, but that’s probably just a natural result of the time apart. But I still miss you a lot. How could I not? Whether you ever wanted it or not, you have always been a big part of my life.
For a long time I sought ‘closure’. This place helped some with that. But the truth is, I don’t want closure. I want you. We have so much potential as a couple. I know I don’t need to prove that to you, because you know it too.
I’ve tried moving on. I don’t want that either. Doesn’t matter though, because I don’t think I can do it anyways. I have been attracted to a lot of girls in these 6 months, and I even think some of them are interested in me too. But they’re all just little princesses; you are still my Queen. Every time I try comparing someone to you, I just realize all over again how fucking special you really are.
Honestly, I don’t like a lot of people. I never really have. Maybe my expectations are just too high, because people constantly disappoint me. It’s surely a contributing factor in why I’ve felt like an outsider my whole life. I guess I just never allow myself to be part of a group, or to really maintain strong friendships. I know I’m not a good friend. Its not an excuse, but sometimes its just really hard for me to care about other people beyond what they can do for me. I’m probably a narcissist, but you know that already.
I don’t really let people get close. I don’t want them to understand me, I don’t want them to know about my life. It’s not like I’m embarrassed, well maybe about some things, but I think its more like I don’t feel like people deserve me. You’re so different though. I don’t deserve you. You are perfect in my eyes. I have never met someone who makes me smile so easily.
I know i’m not very consistent towards you. I go from ‘I want you to be the mother of my children’ to ‘you’re a fucking cunt’ in the blink of an eye. I’m sorry. Really I’m sorry about a lot of the ways I’ve treated you. I just want to be honest with you. I want you to know everything about me. I want you to always know how i’m feeling, what I’m thinking. I want you to understand when you’re pissing me off, and I want you to feel how good it feels for me to feel loved by you. I know this is something I have to work on, controlling my emotions better. Not exactly my forte.
Really I guess a lot of it just boils down to frustration. I don’t know what you want. Do you just want someone to listen to you? God, I love it when you open up to me. When you trust me enough to tell me about your problems and your personal life. I just wanna hug you and tell you everything is gonna be alright. Remember when you told me about your athletic skill. I was just so proud of you! I know so little about you, but everything you’ve ever told me, I’ve soaked it up.
Of course, I want you to want more than that. I want you to want me the way I want you. Maybe you do. Its hard for me to tell sometimes. I want to take care of you. I want to be the one you turn to when you need help. I want to be the shoulder you cry on, and I want to be your biggest cheerleader for all the challenges you face in life. I want you to let me love you the way you deserve, the way I know I can.
Our communication is…complicated. I’m trying to be understanding, trying to be patient. I try to be responsive to you, but I don’t always know how or when. Help me out a little, please? I love talking to you, it really is my favorite thing to do.
I wanna see you again. I know Ill just smile. And then you’ll smile. And then it will all fall into place.
I miss you. Will you be my baby?