This summer has been dark and grey.
I have never felt crazier than I do without you.
I have cried hysterically, went out too many times, fasted, binged on chocolate, downloaded an immense amount of sad and ridiculous songs about love and slept.
I thought obsessively about our relationship and how I need you more than likely more than you will ever need me.
I blame myself. I never hated you.
I felt hopeless in a circle of texts that never seemed to resolve any issues you and I had.
I laid in bed at night feeling lonely and desperate for your touch and attention again.
This isn’t my sad story, it is my reality without you.
I tried an innumerable amount of times to convince myself I was happy.
I have new friends, new job, new hobbies, yoga and therapy.
But this train of thought failed just as many times it was attempted.
My frail and weak grasps of emotional well being soon spiraled into looking at your instagram and Facebook pages.
Your photos melted my heart and pierced my soul with a deep sadness and yearning for you even more.
They were beautiful like you. They were you.
I yearned for your texts even though they were full of criticism and obvious hate for me.
I cried and screamed at therapy sessions for an answer to my problems.
I became emotionally numb during the day and an emotional mess at night.
I have never been through this before. I have never had a broken heart.
I keep expecting you to be eaten away with sorrow the same way I do while standing in line at Starbucks, sitting in a small room at the library, trying to concentrate at yoga or walking in an empty park we once made love in.
I can’t help feel like you don’t face our separation the way I do. You’re okay.
It burns and aches inside that you might not think of me in this way at all.
I don’t wish for you to ever see my dark place and I don’t think you ever will.
When you read this letter I don’t want you to yearn for or miss me and any of the feelings that we may have shared. Just know that this is the hardest thing for me to ever do.
I have never experienced anything like this before. I never thought I would have to say good bye to you.
I thought one day I would have your baby girl and stand by your side while you take me as yours forever.
Thank you for allowing me to feel what real love felt like. Thank you for allowing me to explore your body and mind more than I have anyone else I have been intimate with. I have learned and gained so much from our time together.
I am sorry I have caused you so much grief.
I am going to accept what you want and move on now.