If it was easy to kill myself I really would have done it, but without easy access in ireland to any handguns or drugs hard enough to overdose on I sorta wound up waiting it out.
I don’t feel depressed at the moment, and while I still occasionally think about killing myself.
It doesn’t come with a sense of sadness, i’m not quite sure how to express what emotion it does stem from. Like it’s more like a sense of finality and moving on (gosh knows if there even is a place to “move on” to) that i’d do at the end of a really good day.
I can’t say that I really feel that glad that I didn’t kill myself, i’ve joked with a friend that if I had done it at 8, 10, 14 or any time between 19-21 people would say things like “this is so sad, he was so young, had so much potential” etc and now it will seem like a depressing inevitability (I recently posted “hikkikomori” if you feel like reading details on that) and i’m sure that at some stage the feelings will come back, the ages listed above were when I REALLY wrestled with the decision and it seems like it will keep coming back at random intervals.
Plus I intend to do it at 50 no matter what happens between now and then. err…yeah, just felt like getting this off of my chest.