I have felt like shit since we last spoke. Nothing really feels right or good. I could be in a lot of happy places and still be bogged down by the fact that you aren’t in my life. I know I ended things, and really, I don’t have any right to be this sad. But I am.
Part of me thinks I’m better off without a guy who can’t keep dates, who is engrossed in work, and can’t manage his life. Part of me thinks that you are a total baby for the way you acted when I broke it off. That you couldn’t stand to wait for my text reply, that you couldn’t stand to hear me out, that all you saw was your hurt ego that someone would demand more from you. Well, being a nice guy full of good intentions means shit when you don’t have anything to show for it. Sure, I dated guys who cancelled on me and lied about not being interested, but those were good guys too. Full of good intentions, but I’m tired of good intentions. They aren’t enough if they are never put into actions and are meaningless when they don’t drive you to change.
The other part of me thinks I made a huge mistake. That I called it quits too soon and I should have waited it out longer. That maybe you would have changed had I given you a chance. But, J, that is the problem. All I’ve done is give guys chance after chance after chance and I just allowed them to treat me like shit. To push me aside, to make it seem like their time is more important than my time. You got to me when I decided I wasn’t going to do that anymore. You got to me when I decided my time was valuable and that I deserved someone who would make the time of day for me. You got to me when I realized I deserved someone who wanted to be near me and also, wanted to give as much as I wanted to give.
I know you wanted me to say that I don’t normally jump ship so fast, and honestly, I don’t. I’m loyal to a fault. To the point where I have bended morals, given up plans, stopped everything, dropped everything just to be there for someone, without the expectation that they would do the same. And everyone walked all over me for it. I was there to take care of people who never had the energy to take care of themselves. So they depended on me to do it. But when I saw it didn’t change their relationship with me, it didn’t bring us any closer, it never meant that they’d be there in return when I needed them the most, I still stuck it out. And it killed me. It rubbed me raw, it made me feel miserable and angry and alone.
Then I stopped, I closed up, I stopped letting people in and giving and giving and giving.
And I met you. You seemed so promising, when I was with you it was like the best parts of me came out to shine. And you loved it, we fed off each other’s energies. At your best you were funny and charming, knew all the things to say, you were smooth in all the ways I was always looking for.
At your worst, you couldn’t stay awake for a conversation. You cancelled plans when I was out the door to meet you. You were a disappointment every chance I gave you. J, you’re alone because you put work in front of your own happiness. You’re alone because you can’t take care of yourself. You’re alone because you can’t produce observable evidence that your good intentions aren’t just intentions.
I still feel that fucking ache, that I made this huge mistake in letting you go. But as I write this letter, I know you can’t be my knight in shining armor. You can’t save me from broken promises. You’ll never not break my heart.