• I’d rather be alone…

    by  • July 30, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 4 Comments

    … but you fermented in my bones.

    I thought for 5 minutes that it could simply be as easy as telling you that I just don’t want you in my life any more. To delete your number from my contacts and to put all of the pictures away somewhere, and that all of the memories and thoughts would follow. I thought I could organise you into a little box and put you onto the ‘bad things’ shelf in my brain.

    I thought for 5 days that I just didn’t care any more, that if I could go 5 days without asking how you were that I just wouldn’t care anymore, that I would wake up one morning enlightened and free because I didn’t care anymore.

    I thought if I put myself first that I would be able to see that you weren’t good for me. I thought I would be able to see that you didn’t bring good things into my life, but all I saw was that you made me happy.

    I wish I had gone with my instincts 4 months ago and called things off, because as I wrote then; ‘I don’t want to end up resenting you for something you never promised me in the first place – your feelings.’

    I love you wholeheartedly, with every single inch of good in my bones. It takes more than 5 minutes or 5 days to get over that. I love you enough to know that letting go is all I have left, but I’m still clinging on.
    I’m still holding onto the hope that you will realise how great we could have been. I’m still holding on because I’ve lost you as a lover and I don’t have the mental capacity to deal with losing you as a best friend too.

    I don’t want to let go but I’m not sure how much longer I can fight, I need you to step in and I need you to fight and to still need me in your life, because I’m running out of energy and I’m running out of patience.

    I know that it is hard for you to see me break, but I was broken long before I met you, I cling to you so hard because you were the flicker of a flame in a dark cave, you were the ‘light at the end of my tunnel.’

    I don’t want to do this without you, I won’t bounce back as bright as I usually do without you.

    So I’m asking you to be there for me, for us and for our friendship because I can’t do all the work. If you can’t be there I need you to know that and I need you to make me know.

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    4 Responses to I’d rather be alone…

    1. Jamie-Lee
      July 30, 2014 at 3:57 pm

      I could have written this.


    2. a Certain person Just giving Some friendly adviCe
      July 31, 2014 at 4:54 am

      You seem desperate and it isnt good needing someone as much as you need this person.

      get on with your life if they couldnt promise you the world in the first place, they dont deserve you at all.

      When you need someone as much as you think you need this person its unhealthy, its mentally unhealthy as it will take over your mind.

      For someone to be truly happy with another you must first be happy on your own, dont love somebody because you are lonely and dont want to be on your own. You may think they are the
      “light at the end of your tunnel”
      but that is no reason to waste your time on someone who half heartedly loved or needed you.

      Surely you have ‘friendS’ that can help you with this as long as you reach out to them they would be there?.

      In your letter you contradict yourself you say you wished 4 months ago you would have called things off,
      but yet here you are still wanting this person.
      You need to ‘realise’ that if somebody doesnt give themselves wholeheartedly or seem to need you then they are not emotionally attached as you are it is more one sided.
      Stick with staying on your own moving on and stay with that decision because in a couple of months you could be writing a letter saying you wished you had stayed away.
      You are right it will not take 5 days to get over this person it may not even be better in 5 months or even a year, but when you are finally over this persom you will realise you had wasted this precious life on someone who was clearly not worth it as much as you think they are.
      you could be happy with someone who wants you and needs you wholeheartedly who would give up just about anything to be with you…
      Or you could just waste your life with someone who isnt worth the heartache.
      But!.. obviously this is your life and you are going to do what is best i do not know you or your situation, unless ‘miraculously’ you are not such a stranger to me which in any case this comment would be my advice to one of my friends aswell.

      you could end up in a relationship with this person for many years and it could be the worst years of your life miserable, feelings not being reciprocated if you need someone as much as you seem to need this person, then you will end up getting hurt that they do not love you as much as you would need.

      Is it really worth it.

      Anyway take it or leave it im just posting my Comment..


    3. soft to author
      August 1, 2014 at 5:01 pm

      Your letter was beautiful. The intended recipient must really mean a lot to you. You should tell them how you feel. You might be pleasantly surprised at what they say…


    4. Lindsay
      August 3, 2014 at 7:51 am

      This is everything I am feeling right now. Hold your head up… things won’t always be as bad as we expect them to be. The hurt will diminish but it will never truly go away. <3



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