… but you fermented in my bones.
I thought for 5 minutes that it could simply be as easy as telling you that I just don’t want you in my life any more. To delete your number from my contacts and to put all of the pictures away somewhere, and that all of the memories and thoughts would follow. I thought I could organise you into a little box and put you onto the ‘bad things’ shelf in my brain.
I thought for 5 days that I just didn’t care any more, that if I could go 5 days without asking how you were that I just wouldn’t care anymore, that I would wake up one morning enlightened and free because I didn’t care anymore.
I thought if I put myself first that I would be able to see that you weren’t good for me. I thought I would be able to see that you didn’t bring good things into my life, but all I saw was that you made me happy.
I wish I had gone with my instincts 4 months ago and called things off, because as I wrote then; ‘I don’t want to end up resenting you for something you never promised me in the first place – your feelings.’
I love you wholeheartedly, with every single inch of good in my bones. It takes more than 5 minutes or 5 days to get over that. I love you enough to know that letting go is all I have left, but I’m still clinging on.
I’m still holding onto the hope that you will realise how great we could have been. I’m still holding on because I’ve lost you as a lover and I don’t have the mental capacity to deal with losing you as a best friend too.
I don’t want to let go but I’m not sure how much longer I can fight, I need you to step in and I need you to fight and to still need me in your life, because I’m running out of energy and I’m running out of patience.
I know that it is hard for you to see me break, but I was broken long before I met you, I cling to you so hard because you were the flicker of a flame in a dark cave, you were the ‘light at the end of my tunnel.’
I don’t want to do this without you, I won’t bounce back as bright as I usually do without you.
So I’m asking you to be there for me, for us and for our friendship because I can’t do all the work. If you can’t be there I need you to know that and I need you to make me know.