• What’s up?

    by  • July 27, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Confusion • 0 Comments

    I love talking to you, and I had a great time flirting and fooling around with you. I don’t feel much of my emotions anymore, so I appreciate that I had you to pull me out of my nothingness every once in a while and remember how to be a normal person connecting with someone else.
    I don’t know why I didn’t fall for you, and I don’t know how I managed to fall for someone else during this time, but it happened. And I really can’t help it. Maybe its because I actually care about you, and I wouldn’t want you to want me, and I know you can be happy fighting for someone else, or because I know you are happier just fooling around and being that single guy you haven’t had the chance to be.
    Maybe this is me being arrogant, or hopeful, but I think you liked me. And I’m sorry my reciprocation was not in tune with that.
    I have vented about my relationships to you, but I’m not sure how transparent I was about the types of patterns I get myself into. I go for unavailable men. Guys cheating on their girlfriends, or who are emotionally unavailable, or who just want to fuck me, or who I have a relationship with that should be nothing more than platonic, or who are far away.
    Its a method of self destruction. Have you ever heard that saying about how people accept the love they think they deserve? Well, I can’t fathom someone loving me. Love isn’t the right word for our situation, but what I mean is that I don’t know why you would even bother.
    This isn’t a pity letter, I’m just trying to explain myself here. I think you would be equally hurt whether we were to have this conversation or not. But I don’t like to hold anything back, and I respect myself more when I am able to be blunt.
    My frustration right now is at myself because I have no idea what you think about any of this, so I am just going to automatically assume that you resent me for engaging what we had when I knew it was something that couldn’t be pursued any further. I broke our implied plan that things would pick up physically when you get back, and I destroyed any ability for us to be cute and intimate. Like I said earlier, though, maybe this is arrogance, and I imagined emotions where they did not exist. Although, I am entirely too familiar with emotionless entanglements and I know for sure that this was not one of them.
    I don’t know where my rambling is going, but I don’t like being confused. Have we not talked in an abnormally long while, or am I overthinking? I don’t want to wonder if it is appropriate to message you, if it would be weird to ask how your break up us going, and I really just want to blatantly ask if its annoying that we can’t fuck anymore and if you even trust me still. But at the same time I don’t want to deal with this.
    Emotions are weird. Fantasies are irrational. Time messes with too many good situations.
    Being each other’s secret is something special, but I don’t know if I’m anything more than a friend who turned into an accomplishment. That thought isn’t really a reflection of anything about your character, just an underlying notion I will always have because no one takes the time to listen to me, and I let myself turn into a sponge who absorbs everyone elses needs until I’m about to explode.
    I guess what’s going on here is that I’d rather put the small amount of emotions I have towards someone who I think I might be able to let myself be free with and who I can be happy with long term. Hopefully.
    Maybe later I’ll have the motivation to push your buttons about all of this. But for now, I’ll just wait. We can’t disappear from each other forever, right?

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