I’m writing this letter because I want you to understand something. Or more than something because it is a lot. I want you to understand that I LOVE YOU. Do you love me? That’s what I want you to understand. I don’t 100% believe you love me. Why? Glad you asked.
You’ve NEVER said you love me ONCE IN MY LIFE BY YOURSELF. WHENEVER YOU SAID YOU LOVED ME, it was because I initiated it first. AND you said it in what I took as a MOCKING manner. THAT’S NOT BELIEVABLE. YOU ARE HORRIBLE AT ACTING.
So, when mom died, I expected that from you, the VERY LEAST, I expected MY FATHER, my biological father to show me love. Because that’s what I wanted to know and learn and cherish and live with. Love. Not this stone-cold emotionless robot or soldier you wanted me to be.
I seriously was neglected – not just emotionally, but physically! I locked myself in my room for days on end, and you NEVER bothered to check in on me. I just remember the very first day I decided not to talk as much, you asked – no, MICHELLE asked. You just stood by and watched. Why?! Why did you do that to me?! Why don’t you understand teenagers or children in general crave for their parents’ attention?! Did you believe teenagers were the exact opposite? Wanted to get away from their parents? Well, that’s true, too. But, God, you didn’t even show that you wanted me around. You just provided the bare minimum, food and shelter. You were there to pick me up. You were there to answer my questions, but I always had to come to you first. You never came to me, and it slowly killed me inside because I knew that you didn’t want or need me. You didn’t love me. It still kills me to this day, that my own damn father doesn’t love me. And after losing a loving parent, this is just super unfair.
Luckily, I know what love is, no thanks to you. I found it on mom’s family and your side of the family. I love Derek with all my heart and soul. I trust him completely. He is the one person I hope to never let down again after what I did to him, ignored him, treated him like shit just like you because that’s what I learned, not to love, not to care, just to be and push on, just experience this life and die, no emotional experience. I was to be just a robot. But no, I HAD emotions, I had hatred and dislike and discontent and no satisfaction and loneliness and depression and suicidal thoughts. Do you hear me? Suicidal thoughts. I nearly killed myself over and over, and you only intervened once. Why? Because I hung a noose from my ceiling. What’d you do? You asked. I lied. And you swallowed it up no problem. I scared you. You didn’t do shit.
And, as far as Michelle goes, I will never love her. She wouldn’t be my friend either. I took what you had to say about your step-dad and applied it to her, but Grandpa Craig was MUCH different than Michelle because he had children. Michelle only had dogs. Michelle treated me and Derek and all sorts of other people like dogs. You didn’t do shit. Again. You just let her be because you loved her, right? Do you love Michelle? There are no signs of physical affection. You just talk to each other, not even making eye contact about other people, usually complaining, most definitely complaining about other people. I don’t want that relationship to role model after! I want a happy and healthy relationship! One that involves physical affection and spontaneousness and whatever, you don’t care.
So, this is my letter to you. I want to be a loving person. I want a loving father, a loving role model because you were my role model for years and years and years, but that turned out to be a mistake because all I mimicked was your lack of caring in general. I want a loving father. Will you be my loving father?