Someone, somewhere, knew that I loved you. And I thank that someone for never bringing it to light.
Ever since I was young, it was always, “Don’t do it. Don’t fall in love. Don’t break your mother’s heart.” A stranger of a father. An abused mother. She was all I had. Everything I was, was for her. So maybe, when I found someone who made me want to exist for them, I gladly took the chance. I still don’t know how to live only for me.
“Don’t do it. Don’t break your mother’s heart. Don’t cause a scandal.” Love was scandalous. I was like a princess in a tower. But no one ever thought of me as a princess. Neither did you.
Why you, I ask myself. Why you? Of all the guys, why you? You naturally draw people to you—I don’t know if you know that. You make them smile, you make them laugh. I found myself constantly checking for your messages. Days, nights. Staying up till seven in the morning to talk to you. I know you slept late, night owl. You didn’t care much for staying up late and chatting. But I wonder if you knew my habits as well as I knew yours. And I know yours well. I just never told you. Maybe you just never told me, either.
At times like this, I’m just another cliche girl. In love with someone hours ahead of me. Someone who sees the sun rise while I’m still cloaked in night. Someone with a broad life beyond the keyboard. But to me, you were a life. An entire life. Everything that went wrong in my life, you could fix with a simple colon and parenthesis. I wish I could do that for someone too.
I try not to be a bad person, of course. I probably come across that way. But you… As cliche as it seems, you made me feel special. You made me feel wanted. Before I left, you told me: the conversations I have with you are the ones I look forward to most.
It took my breath away and made me cry.
I finally know why it was you I loved. All my life I was focused on existing. Again, as cliche as it sounds, I could not see any reason why I should exist in this world. Did it make a difference? Did *I* make a difference? To my mother, who I’ve spent my entire life trying to exist for who easily destroys all of my attempts at being a better person? To my father whose only conversation with me is to ridicule and harsh scoldings? To the girls at school whose only reason for talking to me is to keep me on hand when they need to cheat on a test? You. You made me think that, yes. If I were to be gone tomorrow, at least one person would think of me. And that’s why I latched on to you like that.
I don’t think you’ll ever know the impact you had on me. You made me want to live simply for the sake of living. I still don’t know what my role in this world is. But I know I have one and I know I’ll find it.
And you? You’ve told me that you think of yourself as someone who’s wasted his life. Well, I would just like you to know that you’ve changed mine for the better.
So thank you. For existing.