To my beautiful wife,
The first few years of being your husband have been exactly what I expected…perfection. I mean we have fights just like any couple. They never last long, but I still don’t like it. That’s the reason I’m writing this letter, if you should ever come across this. Sometimes I feel like you don’t completely understand me, and I know that’s partially my fault because there are some things I’ve never been able to tell you. Things I don’t tell anyone. But being my wife and best friend you should know everything about me. I’ll tell you this in person, just like every thing i write here. Sometimes I just need to formulate my thoughts first, to know what I really want to say.
We’ve always avoided talking about past relationships. Or at least I have. You know about my ex immediately prior to you. Well the girl I had been dating for awhile. I think its important for you to know about some of the other women in my life that impacted me. Because I have always had trouble trusting women. And it carries over to you to a lesser extent. It’s just always there in the back of my mind, my prior experiences.
I guess I have to start with my mother. Even as a child I had problems with her. She imposed all her desires on me, her religious beliefs, she made me do a lot of things I was really never interested in just because she had wanted that for herself. As I became a teenager we started fighting all the time. I was becoming a lot like my dad, almost in every way, and they were coming to the end of their marriage so I think some of that got transferred to me. Eventually she drove me away. I moved out of the house at an early age because I couldn’t stand living with her anymore. Then my parents got divorced. Because of her the divorce dragged on for almost 10 years before it was finally complete. There was one time, I was at my dad’s, and I wrapped my little brother around a barbell using socks as restraints. It sounds stupid now but I was making him into a luau pig. Anyways I thought it was funny at the time and I only left him like that for like 5 mins. My mom found out and called the police. They woke me up at my dad’s one day to “investigate a child abuse complaint”. I had to get lectured by an officer for nearly 45 mins in front of my parents. Even the officer knew and acknowledged that my mom was doing this to gain leverage in the custody proceedings against my dad but it was an official complaint so I guess he had to ‘scare me straight’. I was humiliated but even more angry. Angrier than I’ve ever been before. I remember the side of my face was actually twitching uncontrollably. That had never happened before.
In kindergarten I had a penchant for biting girls. This one girl in particular. I really don’t remember why. I don’t know what that means but just thought Id put that out there. I was also eating dirt then so maybe it’s insignificant.
In first grade I gave a girl a valentines card. She sent me back an “anonymous” note that said “I hate you and I hope you die”. I was like 6 fucking years old. I never really would have thought that would have affected me, but then I realized I had blocked that incident out of my consciousness for like the next 15 years.
I didn’t talk to girls much growing up. They made me angry for some reason, and I just didn’t understand them. I had little crushes here and there but nothing noteworthy. In high school I had my first girlfriend. She went to school with me, and had dated a couple of my friends in the past, but I didn’t really start talking to her until after she moved one summer so we didn’t go to school together anymore. She lived a couple hundred miles away so I didn’t get to see her very often, but we talked all the time, and when we talked we would talk for hours. I had never felt so close to someone before. This went on for a few months. Then one night she started to tell me about this girl she was hanging out with all the time. I knew from fb they were like best friends, but she told me they were a lot more than that. I was crushed. This girl lived in the same city as her, so she was getting the regular physical aspect of the relationship I wasn’t getting, plus the thought of sharing the emotional connection I had with her drove me mad. I got drunk for the first time that night. Wrote her a nasty email. We talked a few times after that but I never saw her again. The pain I felt, the inadequacy I felt as a man losing my first girlfriend to another girl was marginally assuaged when a few years later she had married and had a kid with a guy. It still hurt a lot. I think that was the first time I’d ever had my heart broken.
The next significant woman was my girlfriend for most of college. You mostly know enough about her already. She was sweet and very caring. We NEVER fought. Like not even once. I guess looking back I kinda dominated the relationship, though I didn’t mean to. She was just either completely incapable or unwilling to express her emotions to me. She bottled it all up, all the things I did that pissed her off. One day she just left. No lengthy explanation. Just “People change”. And that breakup occurred via text. After being together for 2 and a half years.
After her, I started something of a regular booty call with a girl I had met years before. I never told you about her because I think you might have known her. The last time we ‘hung out’ was about a week before I met you. As soon as we met, I knew I was done with her and all other women for that matter, I had found my true love.
So thank you Carmen, for being patient with me, even when you may not have understood why that patience was necessary. I wish I had told you all of this before, but its important you understand. I love you for showing me that there is something better than what I had assumed relationships were like. That not all women would take advantage of and betray me the way I was accustomed to. That the relative loneliness I had felt my entire life was worth it just to be available for when I met you. It changed my life. It really did.