I’m writing this to you cos I don’t want to break your heart in person. Though I doubt it’ll break your heart. But the truth is, when I know that one day I’ll want to be there and holding you, loving you, touching you, I hardly want you to have memories of a time when I told you all the things about my now-boyfriend that were making me sad. Yet your the only person I can think right now who I do want to share this with… Maybe because I know you care about me in the way I want, so you will understand my feelings as deep as I want and “need”.
With A* right now, I feel sad. I think I feel sad cos I also know I love him… It frustrates me so much that he doesn’t always get me. Especially cos I know you would.
We had this discussion tonight, about [scs]. He doesn’t feel that way about them, anyway, but I still felt hurt and sensitive that I had to explain, and felt ashamed for my opinion. Yet I wasn’t really ashamed… I think I just knew that it was outside of what I think is acceptable by our society’s logic. Yet… Oh god.
I want to hold A*, but I feel safe thinking about you. Am I idealizing you? Maybe because you get me so well, I think you’ll be perfect. I sometimes want to gush to you, but like I said, why would I tell you about another guy?
In that email, you told me to [ltoye]. It made me sad.
Because I want you as well.
A* is so sweet. Maybe it’s worth focusing on that. I mean, I do. Yet every hurdle that comes up, I just think of you and how it won’t be an issue.
One day I’ll fly to M-I-co and hold you. We’ll make love and speak about the lives we’ve shared.
I do love you. But I guess I will [ltoiw].
A*… Mew. I love you, too. I want to be the one for you sometimes, but I want you to understand me. If you told me I was hot and you loved me and you want me and I’m enough for you, maybe I could feel safe. M-cos does tell me that… But he doesn’t even have to. I know it.
You just came and kissed me.
Maybe I’ll just pray… The universe always takes care of me.