• What do you think

    by  • July 23, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    It’s so inane, yet so common and normal. I want you to contact me and tell me that everything, really, is ok.

    I was waiting for you to say, “thanks for being there for me and giving so much of yourself”, “thanks for staying classy”, “thanks for being honest” “thanks for listening to me rant”, “sorry that I spent an hour on the phone with other people when you were there to visit me”. “Thanks for understanding my pain”.

    After all of that, what I didn’t want to hear was, “why don’t you wear more make up, you never dress up for me”. “You’ve gotten too comfortable”. “I only said those things to be nice, I didn’t really mean it”. “Why do we have to talk about work”? “We can occasionally have a beer together”…

    I know that you gave me compliments out loud when I did something that you liked or admired, but it was like you were approving/surprised of my behavior as if I were an animal who did something right. I wasn’t doing ANYTHING to get any compliments, my self esteem was not that low. Maybe yours was…

    Ok and so now that I’ve re-read, and remembered how I felt when you said those things, FRIEND, I ask myself why should I want to be in contact with you, because MAYBE you’re out there for status and a bit more glamour than I can provide. Yet there was something deeper and fluid between us, I felt it and I KNOW you did.

    Yes I am angry about it. Yes, it would be great if you understood and actually held value enough, and had the balls to want to turn around and realize these things. But I think it’s easier for you to keep going. It’s easier for you not to look back, I get it. I never thought you were a bad person, I wanted to accept you for being merely human. I’m not perfect either but the truth is, we would have been GREAT once your hurt was demolished. I felt it, but you wanted a lot. I should be relieved that this tug of war is over…

    Will I be better off without you?
    But would I still accept you if you reached out?

    Will you?
    Not a chance…

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