I don’t really understand what’s happening.
You were my deepest infatuation, an obsession at first. From the first day I laid eyes on you, Molly, I wanted to know you. You may not understand that, as I know you’re not the romantic type. But your unique beauty really had me.
And when I finally had you I thought about how funny destiny could be. This girl that I hoped I would talk to actually became my girlfriend for at least a brief time. And you said I was your first love. If only that’s how things could have played out.
I’m learning that passion is not enough. I still don’t know what it takes but I at least know this now. Because although I felt so strongly at first, although I had such a deep desire to know you, to kiss you, to have you to myself I realize now that this is not love. Love probably requires a much longer deeper period of connecting.
Yet even though I know now that we are very different, that our similarities ended with music taste, I still think about you all the time. I know you’re over me and I wish you well. But I still struggle with our separation. I don’t understand why, we were only involved with each other for half of a year and it was so clear to me that I needed something else. I would guess I’m just feeling lust, since love does not have this quality. I’m not missing you for you, I’m missing you for the idea of you. I know you haven’t changed and I wouldn’t want you to.
I wonder if I simply miss your feelings for me. I haven’t been able to make sense of how I feel about you. How could such senseless infatuation exist? I know it can’t form the basis for a loving relationship but it’s still there and I think about how I miss your company everyday.
I miss your laugh. I miss your jokes. I miss how you would get flustered. I miss your lips. I miss you looking up at me with your beautiful eyes. I miss playing with your hair. I miss just sitting and listening to music with you. I miss hanging out in your room playing PlayStation. I miss having morning sex with you. I miss going to concerts with you. I miss talking about our greatest fears together.
I sometimes blame myself for why I could not love you. Your free spirit intimidated me, your ability to not feel guilt for anything scared me, your infatuation with chaos and your taste in crazy friends turned me off and made me uncomfortable, and the way you made fun of my passion for math and engineering made me afraid to even be myself.
Yet you made it painfully obvious to me that I don’t know who I am. I have a lot more growing to do. I can’t let fear of the unknown cause me to freeze up. I can’t be afraid to know what my needs are and to pursue them. I can’t act like a scared child and avoid my responsibilities just because our break up made me so sad I had trouble getting out of bed some days.
This is the part where I want to say I still love you. I don’t know what I feel. The fact that I still think about you everyday and every night makes me think I love you some times. But I know it’s better this way, because I firmly believe that you deserve to be loved by someone who understands you more. I worshiped you, and I know now that’s the opposite of love. Love is when you’re the most aware of a person flaws yet you accept them anyway. I have yet to learn how to do this. I wish I was able to do it when we were together. It is something that I will work on to love the people that are still in my life, like my family and friends.
It was hard to say goodbye. I still wish I could cuddle up with you after a long day. But I know that will never happen now. And I know someday we’ll both have new people and I’ll take the good memories and the useful lessons with me in secret. I’m glad that I set you free and that you’ve dealt with this in a healthy manner. I know that I’ll be okay and I’ll move on as well. I will work on my flaws and become the man I want to be.
And I wish I could tell you this without sounding creepy, but your name is still on my lips. It is a beautiful name for a beautiful person. I wish you well.