This is really hard for me, it is not something that I speak about publicly, or often at all. I can’t even speak to my mum and I think this is where the anger, hurt, disappointment, loneliness and sheer grief stems from. The moment I found out I was pregnant, she was against it. Dissapointment doesn’t even cover it.
She was so angry, and so disappointed I couldn’t even try to be happy.
I did a pregnancy test on the Friday evening, went to the doctors on the Saturday, was told I would be contacted to go for a dating scan within the next few days and sent on my way.
I was 22, in a relationship of a year with someone I loved dearly, and suddenly pregnant.
I urged the doctors to contact me on my mobile so no one else knew, least of all my mum. I wanted to know what was going on, and how far along I was, and if it was even true before I had to face the world with it.
I was at work the following Monday when I got a text from my mum, the hospital had phoned the house phone to confirm the appointment.
The messages I received from her were devastating. I had to get my head together and finish the day at work, no one knew, I had to keep it that way.
I got home and had the speech from her, your too young, you have your whole life ahead, how can you be so stupid, you’ve only been together a year, where are you going to live, how will this work. The full job lot! I didn’t know any of the answers, I was a scared 22 year old with nothing to say for myself.
The scan was booked for the following day, I went to work as normal, and had my dad pick me up and drop me off at the maternity unit. My boyfriend met me there, we were having the scan then I was going back to work. That was the plan.
Its such a surreal moment sitting in the waiting room on the maternity ward. Everyone is there for the same reason, some mums further along than others, some look ready to explode, then others, like me, were not showing at all.
We waited our turn and went in to see the midwife. I’d drunk gallons of water so was absolutely dying for the loo.
I soon knew that something wasn’t right, I remember it like it was yesterday, the lady was a beautiful mixed race young girl, she was pregnant herself. She said she could tell that I needed the toilet so I could go, then she would meet me in the room next door for another scan.
I knew something wasn’t right.
I ran off to have a wee, then went to the next room like she asked. When I got in there she said she wanted to do an internal ultra sound.
Again, alarm bells rang and I started to panic. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to worry my other half, but I just knew.
She did an internal scan, and it was at this moment when my whole world just stopped.
It stopped around me and fell from beneath my feet.
I have never cried so much in my whole life, iv never hurt so much. My baby was there, it just had no heartbeat.
I felt like I wanted to curl up and die. I’d had 3 days of being a mummy and planning the rest of our lives together to have it snatched away from me so cruelly, and so quickly.
From that moment on, the rest of that week is just a blur. I had to make a decision about how to proceed and what to do next. I won’t go into that because that isn’t why I’m here, but again, I spent the next few weeks in pain, crying, grieving for my unborn child.
My mum was glad, I know she was, not about my pain or suffering through it, but glad it had ended this way. She got what she wanted, and Iv never been able to talk to her about it because she doesn’t understand how I feel about it. She was never happy I was pregnant, never excited that I was carrying a child. Never proud of the fact that I was carrying her grandchild. She was just glad it was all over.
Its been a year since this happened, and I still grieve, alone for my baby. I have days when I can’t even get out of bed, and I have to pretend to the world its something else, or try and put on a front and say I’m fine, because no one knows. No one knows about my baby, or about the life I had planned.
I know I’m not alone, I know thousands of people have been through this, but I feel alone. I feel I have no one.
When I needed my mum the most, she wasn’t there.