It’s taken a lot of time, but I’ve found peace with a lot of what has happened between us. It wasn’t easy. Initially I felt like it was all my fault. Like I was doing something wrong. I’ve forgiven myself. My immaturity and over reactions were simply a product of my present experience relative to the time. I’ve found forgiveness for myself knowing that even though I wish I had done things differently, for where I was I did the best I could. And idk for certain that I could have changed the result at any rate. You played a part as well. But even with the things you’ve done that I know are wrong, I can always find a way to justify your behaviour. Rationalization is a specialty of mine; in another life I might have been an excellent barrister.
There is one thing that still bothers me a lot. In fact it makes me quite angry. The first 9 months…I was there and I loved you. You rejected all of my feeble advances. Well I guess technically we might have had one date, but we both know that was a sham. The reason I was so timid was because I genuinely believed that my feelings were not reciprocated in any way.
Towards the end of that time period there was about a month when you stopped talking to me. I had a lot on my plate at that time, and you knew that, so I really thought you were just ignoring me so that I could focus on what was really important at the time. You have always presented a major distraction to me (not your fault). As strange as it sounds, that was the first time I really believed that you cared about me, that I was special to you. When you go through our chronology…doesn’t that make some things make more sense? Now I’m not at all sure whether or not that’s why you were ignoring me then…there has subsequently arisen another plausible explanation. But although that moment was almost 9 months in the making, I have never again questioned whether or not you have feelings for me.
Remember my surprise birthday party? The surprise being that I invited you. Being with you was all I wanted, and just having you there turned what was otherwise my worst birthday ever into one my best. You seemed really happy that I had included you in the festivities, especially against all the opposition I faced in making that decision. If only I knew then what I know now…that during my party you were hitting on a guy…on YouTube. Really? YouTube? Were you really that lonely/desperate? Because I WAS STANDING RIGHT THE FUCK IN FRONT OF YOU!!!! You knew I was in love with you, between my actions and the way I looked at you you had to know. We can’t be together now, you have a bf and I rebound-married the next girl I met. But it never had to be like this…and that tears me up inside.
I guess I just wasn’t good enough for you then. I don’t know why I would think that that’s changed. And even if circumstances were to change and we got together, how would I ever believe you weren’t just settling because of your situation? It’s been 9 years but questions like this still keep me awake all night.