We can think positively all we want, we both know I’m gonna be alone for a long time. That’s just who I am. Not easily understood, ridiculously high standards, social anxiety. I accept this. Truth is that for the most part I’ve felt completely on my own since I was 14, so at least this isn’t a new sensation for me. I’ve learned how to cope with the loneliness. I just blame myself for everything. The wide gap between what I believe I deserve, and what I actually have must have resulted from a mistake I made…the selfishness I exhibited, the fear I let control me, the words I waited too long to say, etc. Self pity is useless and unproductive. I’d rather be the villain than th victim. So I take responsibility and turn it into self loathing instead. In every way that I am not perfect, I have room for improvement. I can always be more efficient and more productive. It’s this purpose driven focus that helps me to ignore the gaping loneliness I feel inside. To forget the fact that my best friend, the only person I really care about, lives thousands of miles away. To help me wake up in the morning, when I always seem so much happier in my dream life. To defer what I want to the day I can actually have it. Maybe I just wasn’t cut out to be human. I think I would have been more comfortable as a machine.