You asked me if I had ever had sex while listening to Digital Bath by Deftones. I replied that I hadn’t.
You stated something like how intense or good it would be. Asked me if I could imagine it.
I haven’t seen you in 7 or 8 years. We’ve never touched, never kissed. We started some forbidden and impossible literary romance; both of us on opposite ends of the country.
Me, married. You, over the flings and the meaningless.
I abruptly stopped talking to you. Blocked you from every way to contact me. I couldn’t handle what I felt for you. How you were unattainable. I stopped you cold turkey and without warning you or giving you a choice.
I want to know what it’s like to be in your presence, and have that song play. I want to feel what I imagine I would with you if that ever happened. I wanted to hear the things you wrote to me, in person, and not just on the phone sometimes. I’m sorry that I am cruel, and hurt us both. I wish I hasn’t even delved into what we ended up doing. I don’t like missing you, when I never even had you.
It’s been 6 months since I cut you off. I still find myself thinking of you, wondering about you, wanting to talk to you again. I’m scared to re-open a door, scared of any reprocussions. Scared of your anger or hurt or maybe even you telling me I meant nothing and it was only a game for you. To see if you could make me fall in love with you. I was either right on the cusp of it or already falling…so you win there.
I fantasize about us to that song. Every single time I hear it.