You make me feel so guilty for even feeling what i feel for you. I have been in a massive long term relationship for the last 7 years with someone who loves me so much and i love him too. But for the last 6 years I haven’t stopped thinking about you every fucking day. I have even deactivated my fb account so i don’t have to see your face. I have so many things i wish i could say, but can’t even express a place to start. I miss being around you, and i hate the fact that i can not hardly speak when you are near. I start shaking tremendously and i can’t breathe. We went through a period of where we used to speak to each other most nights online and i felt that we had something. But, i was quick to deny it and repress it. We both have gone to uni and changed as people, for so long we hadn’t talked to each other. Until this year, at Christmas after seeing you i felt euphoric. The best i have felt for so long, you gave me the longest hug i have ever had. For a brief moment i thought you genuinely cared about me. You can’t even get the way you smiled and looked at me out of my head.
So, this is why i can’t understand when i plucked up the courage to actually invite you to my birthday meal, say that you was going and on the day completely blew me off. I could deal with the fact you weren’t there and that was fine. But you kept posting pictures making it blindly obvious that you were somewhere else. I even texted you and you didn’t even have the decency to text me back. You know, that really hurt. But, what hurt most you knew that i was going on a night out with friends and you were there too. It’s like you wanted to bump in to me that night… and act like everything was good and casual. I just wanted to know, if you was afraid to see me? Or you really don’t even care about me. I don’t understand the mindfuck at all. I just feel like i know where i stand now and my heart is fucking killing me. My life feels so drained. I just want you to know, after you walked away from me that night, not even saying bye. That i had a massive panic attack and had to go home. I love you. I love you so much that it hurts. And i swear to god, no one understands how difficult this is. To pretend you are not even hurting. Because you are not meant to hurt over someone, who even or never really has been yours. If our lives where different and we ever did become something. I would of been the best fucking girlfriend you ever would have.
Also, please quit smoking and the weed, i just know it’s not you. I don’t even know why you have started.
Just be careful and be happy. I love you.