• Sickening hole left

    by  • July 14, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 3 Comments

    How sick am i ? I can’t find the words, i found the words to say the love, and you found the words to hate me for loving you. Yet i can’t understand it at all, why would you say nothing, then turn?
    You know the weird bit is i really really feel such a loss now. Before it was like sad you weren’t around but now? Now i feel gutted, like literally gutted out, empty, hollow, wishing to be dead. Only one person keeps me clinging on but i am ruined with grief.
    To turn time back, it’s auto play in my head, replaying the last time your eyes twinkled with amusement at me.
    The last time you saw me as a friend and meant it, now you try to act like we never were friends at all.
    And i realise all my life you will hate me, if i died tomorrow, you wouldn’t give a damn, you wouldn’t even cross the road to tell me someone was coming to stab me. That hate springing from me loving you?
    Oh god i feel so alone i want to cry but if i do i will never stop, everything became bland and colourless, tasteless and pointless.
    And here i sit contemplating showing you the horrid side of me, to get back at you, more grief because i want to hurt you like you have me, but i love you and really it is all my fault. It was enough being in your life i should never have tried for more now all i have are memories tinged with soul crushing grief that they will never be and i am a pathetic nothing to you.
    Grief knowing i never came close to your heart and ill see you with another one day, inevitable we will see each other, and i’ll know no one will love you like i do and yet you will bed them and they will hurt you as so many have and still i will be despised and still if we pass in the street, the silence where once a golden smile would greet me, will stab me in the heart. Oh god it hurts i can’t go on i am crying in the sorrow now,

    3 Responses to Sickening hole left

    1. J
      July 14, 2014 at 9:51 pm

      I’m very likely just projecting, but as this seems so similar to a situation I’m currently in, I felt I should reply to it. If you were my person, I’d tell you that I feel exactly the same way you do. I miss you. You still don’t understand why I was upset, and I get that. But you never gave me the opportunity to fully explain. I tried, and I tried..On several occasions but it seemed to me that you didn’t want to hear what I had to say. I felt as though you were trying to get rid of me on purpose. A part of me still feels that way really, and it broke my heart. The other day when there were problems across the abyss though, I was genuinely worried for you. You are my friend, and I will always love you. I just wish we could stop playing this silly game of being so mean to each other and pretending we don’t care. It sucks, really. I feel lost without you…It’s just that lately, it’s felt..So much, like you really hate me, and I’m not quite sure what to do about that.

    2. Author
      July 15, 2014 at 5:43 am

      You may gain your person, i wish you had signed with a different initial or even your whole name, and been her, but i get the impression maybe you’re a guy?
      But if you were her, i would say, i’ll never ever hate you. If we could just forget the past it would be enough to be just how we once were. And if you were her, saying what you did, you would agree from the sounds of it. How sad that you and i are not each others person, imagine that, what we couldn’t say openly, somehow we got out and coincidentally struck a chord with just the right person. But you probably don’t even live in the same country let alone town.
      But i wish you the best in your situation, and thanks for the reply. It is nice just to know other people understand.

    3. J
      July 15, 2014 at 2:02 pm

      I can only tell you that I’m most definitely not a guy. And that I knew you weren’t my person. You couldn’t possibly be. You write a bit like him though, when he’s being sweet and endearing and doesn’t desire my suffering. I hope you gain your person, too. I doubt very much that I will ever gain mine, but I keep hoping that he will, at the least, stop hating me and talk to me again. I miss him terribly. He doesn’t understand. He just doesn’t. I so wish that he would let me explain. 🙁

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