• Honeybee

    by  • July 14, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Soulmate • 0 Comments

    Your daughter posted a new picture the other day of the baby. I could tell that you were holding him, I could see a portion of you in the background. I would know that collarbone anywhere as I have studied it, watched you and know your every outline. I wish I did not. But that is just one of my many wishes. I wish that all those so many years ago I would have walked away when I wanted to. I knew you were trouble to begin with but as I learned with that first meeting, I could never resist you. Try as I might you pulled me back each time. If I had said no, if I had rejected you, closed myself off to you so many years ago I would have not endured all this pain and heartache that I have endured for several years—more than half my life. You have teased me for years with your love, your sheepish glance, you infectious smile…giving me enough to want more, but never fully committing, too scared to just jump in. I can’t say that I blame you as I have felt the same. As what we have, a kind of forbidden love, especially when one if not both of us are not willing to admit what really exists between us, what always has been. I write this now because I can’t talk to you, we have not been in the same space for over a year. My attempts to reach you have been ignored and disregarded. I have tried way too many times, more than I would openly admit, so at this point I am just resolving myself to the fact that this again is another end. I am trying to spare my poor heart further grief. I try and swallow the hurt and disappointment that has become a constant companion in our journey, but he pokes me with every chance he gets. I know that I allow it to get to me, I feel the void you left in me gives me no choice. A part of my heart will always be empty. A part of my heart will always want you. And I hate it. I hate every moment of it. You haunt me day by day and I allow the thought of you to cloud my actions. I should have known better than to fall for a scared little girl, someone who does what she wants then runs when things get to be too much, leaving others as collateral damage. You don’t care that you left me, because leaving me was a means for self-preservation. I know what you are scared of, I feel the same. I know we both have other commitments, responsibilities, paths to take. I know that we could not continue how we were. I began to feel the enormous pressure of my feelings for you weighing heavy on each of my words and actions. I became possessive when I had no right to be, I became bitter and slightly demanding asking from you something that would exist in a romantic relationship when all we had was a friendship. You initiated the break, but I think it was more about your escape…your compelling need to disappear, get away from me, from the way my smile made you feel. You left me in the time I needed you the most, I felt abandon and stranded. I don’t know if I can forgive you this time for hurting me the way you have, for stealing my heart for teasing me to no end. But as much as I hate it, I hate how I feel about you, I hate that you left me with an open wound…I still smile thinking of how you made me feel and who I was with you. You will always remain one of my favorite people, my honeybee. I will always be forever changed by having known you and loved you. In many ways you set me free, but held me down at the same time. You are my soul mate, and the one that truly got away.

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