Right at the start things were good. Unusual. But good. I had just turned sixteen and you were my first ever long term boyfriend. You told me that you loved me when we had been together less than a week, it freaked me out and I didn’t say it back til weeks later.
I can’t pinpoint just when you started abusing me. Was it when you kept on asking me for sex? Was it when you said that a relationship isn’t worth it without sex? Was it when you saw me in my underwear for the first time and you thought it was an invitation to take your dick out and put it in my hands and in my mouth?
Was it when you invited me over for the weekend for the first time and told me when I should go to bed and what time I should get up? Was it later on that day when you intentionally blanked me for over an hour and then shouted at me for so long that I hid in the bathroom and regretted coming at all?
Was it when you told my mum to be quiet? Was it when you grabbed me so hard that it left marks? Was it when you called me ugly and told me that I ruined your life? Was it when you told me that I spoil all your fun? Was it when you said to me “If you fucking come near me, I won’t be responsible for my actions”? Was it when you admitted that you liked making me cry because you wanted to see how far you could go? Was it when you shouted at me or humiliated me in front of my friends?
Was it when you scared me so much that I hid from you and tried to stay quiet through my tears because I didn’t want you to find me? Was it when you made me feel so guilty for everything that I started self-harming? Was it when you found out that I self harmed and instead of comforting me, cut yourself to “prove that you could even do that better than me”?
Was it when my male friend got drunk and came on to me, and you blamed me; and you said that I was too pretty to other guys even though I was just plain really? Was it when you told me you didn’t want me to wear shorts because you didn’t want me “going out dressed like a slut and a whore”?
Was it when you introduced me to your friends and you said to them “sorry for the way she looks”? Was it when I went to university and you would call me up to tell me that you were smarter than me? Was it when I got new male friends and you said you didn’t like them because they “didn’t know the rules”?
I know that it ended the day that 2 and a half years later I finally dumped you and you said “I always thought I would be the one to dump you”.