• Why Do I Feel Uncomfortable?

    by  • July 13, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Guilt • 0 Comments

    Why do I feel uncomfortable?
    Is it because I don’t want to see you?
    or is it because I enjoy seeing you too much?
    Do I want to hide from your friends?
    Or do I want to hide my relationship with him from your friends?
    Or is it that I can’t stand to see you happy and having a good time with someone else?

    This next year is going to be hard.
    Without my best friend, without being able to have my own space, without being able to get away, without my security blanket of distance that has kept me safe from you for two years.

    I hope you’re happy, I hope you succeed and everything works out for you,
    I hope you realize what you’re doing, I hope you find someone that deserves you and makes your world better.
    I wish all that were true.

    In reality,
    I hope you don’t make it there, I hope you’ll have to leave, I hope things don’t go the way you’ve so carefully planned them. I hope you end up alone and continue down the path of bad decisions that you’ve laid out in front of you.

    But most of all I hope you do the same thing that I did when I got there. I hope you hurt her the way I hurt you and I hope it eats you up inside and turns your whole world upside down. I hope you fall for someone, fall for them hard and fast with no way of escaping, and they don’t want you back. I hope they use you and torment you and play with your emotions and I hope you let them. And you realize too late that it wasn’t real.

    I hope that maybe then you’ll realize that people make mistakes and you can’t take them back no matter how much you wish you could.I want you to hurt. I want you to feel desperation and guilt and longing and confusion and regret. I want you to be filled with so much bad that there isn’t any room for anything good.

    I hope you’ll feel the way I feel. That’s why I’m uncomfortable.

    And the worst of it all is that I want you back.

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