I have rarely ever addressed you as ‘love’ and I don’t sit around writing letters at 4 in the morning but this needs to be said. This might read like a generic love letter but what I feel is so close to pain and frustration that love is slightly lost.
You are in a different continent and I haven’t seen you in six months and I won’t see you for the next six either. While I tell myself that it doesn’t matter, it does. I miss you and I do so in two ways. Firstly, there’s that reassurance of having someone around, of seeing their face and feeling like someone cares for you. Sharing a smile or an ice cream or at least the same time zone. And then there’s a deep physical, sexual need that I feel every time I think about you. I miss your lips and hands on me and sometimes all I can think of is my body pressed against yours.
Right after missing you, the predominant emotion is fear. I am terrified of losing you. What if you find someone else? What if you decide I am not enough? I am so scared, that I wake up from dreams where you are with some other woman. I need you to understand that this is not normal for me. My life and my emotions have never been so tumultuous and dramatic. I have always lived life on a plateau and now it feels like I am rolling down a mountain and into a chasm.
A year and eight months is a long long time. I have spent 6 months out of those with you and it doesn’t seem like enough. And I am scared that no matter how much time I spend with you, it’ll never be enough. I hate myself for this dependency on you.
I have spend the last couple of months being so strong about long distance that I haven’t told you how much you mean to me, fearing you will hurt me. Well, either way you have the power to hurt me like no one ever has had so I am going to say it:
I love you. I have loved you for months now and I miss you. I wish you were here and right now I am ready to alter my entire life to be with you. But I won’t. And you’ll never say a thing. Such is love.
It’s a pleasure knowing you and some day I will say all these things to you and hopefully you’ll feel the same way.
Until then, chase your dreams and I hope to find the strength to chase mine.
I love you.
I really, truly do.