• To W.S. on hindsight…

    by  • July 12, 2014 • To You • 0 Comments

    God this is so strange… I’ve been so in love with you for so so long, or so it seems …
    And suddenly its as if someone gently flipped the coin over and I see the other side.
    I sent you an email which you have not yet read. It spoke of a connection I felt between us, like trees in a forest. I was such a fool, my eyes were full of my admiration of you. Yes, I still respect you and what you do. I’d love to challenge you on your thoughts on the starlings just for fun. But if you did take that chance and read that email..I still fall so far short of what you wish and I cannot change those things. Why should we blame each other for them? We were such good friends before we agreed to take it further. And on that day we lost a good and gentle connection that could have served us well for the remainder of our lives.
    Honestly…while making love to you was just fucking awesome, it was not mutual and I would never be ok with that. I know how scared you are of getting close and I see how sex really does increase a depth of caring and awareness of ones partner. It’s a big risk I know. You had no clue if I was an axe murderer, nor did I of you but at some point we had to take the chance and drop the guard. Yeah, I know that my infatuation turned me into a great impression of a silly needy puppy and that’s not the most dashing character a woman wants to date but the fact of the matter is that it’s temporary and deep love will out. You ran…no, we both ran before we could sort that out. And on the way out in one of our telephone conversations you admitted that I was actually was just a fill in for your surplus time, not a partner or a lover or anything that holds real meaning. It sort of adds up now and it kind of gives me a chill. I was to come and sweep you off your feet maybe once a week or once every two weeks as your schedule permitted and we could have this cold one sided sex and you could step as close to intimacy as you dared and not one step closer.

    For months now I have been standing firm in my resolve that I love you. For craps sake, I probably do. I admire your work. I remember your eyes…how the colors changed. I know how what you do can change the lives of people to the good. My mind swirls around all of the amazing topics I’d love to discuss with you, but not as a temporary surplus romantic interlude. As a friend and a lover.

    I never meant to overwhelm you and yes, puppy dogs are a pain. I’m not so sure now I want you to read that email. What if you decided to miss me? What if you changed your mind? What if you missed my love making? Do I think you can take the risk and meet me half way in a true love relationship?….I’m sorry, but no. I think you are scared. What we had was as close as you can get. It’s good for you perhaps. It would leave me feeling rather empty. I just can’t do it. I think Im done with the brief thrills. If I find love again, it will be for the long haul…thick and thin. Not a merging but a blending.
    I love you.
    I wish you well

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