You’ve got me fucked up. Like really fucked up. I think of you often and even when I don’t, you’re always in the back of my mind. I don’t even understand how I can like you just as much as I did 5 years ago when I first me you. Even during those times where I thought I’d never see you again, I had hope. And back to that time when I had first saw you after all those years, those feelings came flooding back in all at once, just like the blood rushing to my face as I blushed around you when you said my name with such relief and wrapped me up with your strong arms. I knew you had missed me too. And in that moment, everything was as it should be. The stars aligned and the heavens opened up. As we began talking and catching up on each others lives I saw how compatible we were and how obvious that we were meant for each other. Boy, was I smitten. But as I began so see you with your other friends-girl friends that were way more beautiful than any amount if makeup could ever make me, I began to think I could never be good enough for you. I get so angry and frustrated over how much I want you and how big of a coward I am to tell you because I know the conversation would start with “you’re an really nice girl and all but…” And I could handle that from someone else, sure. But from you…
I ask God constantly why he would torment me by letting me encounter such a beautiful soul as yours. Why he would allow me to ultimately fall for someone who deserved so much better that I could ever offer. Most likely because I did something to deserve this. I pray that maybe one day that you remember me when you grow into that shooting star you wanted to be. Because I could never forget you, even if I wanted to. And I’ve tried.
I miss you. Every lonely night, every third wheel moment, every romantic comedy, I miss you. Your smile, your jokes, and the way you’d look at me, even if it were just common eye contact. I miss how you would say “I missed/will miss you” with sadness in your tone.
But worst of all, I miss what we didn’t have.