This is intended more for the younger readers on LINS, however it may be helpful for older readers as well. I’m writing this because I feel the need to give at least some people a little guidance.
I’m going to spare all of you readers the finer details of my story, but my main point here is do not let little things stop you from achieving your dreams.
For many years, most of my life in fact, I have dreamed, obsessed, and worked to achieve my goal of becoming a scientist. I am now in my mid 30’s. I was (and still am) a social outcast and I struggled with it until I found an avenue of social acceptance-drugs and alcohol. For the first time I had friends, and I had places to be other than school and my home, which wasn’t a friendly place but I won’t go into that. Naturally my grades were effected as well as my memory and my mental state.
I’ve quit and them relapsed a few times in my life, sometimes having a break lasting several years. However my mind has lost its spark and no matter how hard I try I just can’t seem to get it firing again. I haven’t used “hard drugs” since my late teens, just a pothead for the majority of the time I’ve used.
Don’t get me wrong, I never gave up on my dreams. I worked my way into a decent job at a university after time in the military and receiving my bachelors. I wasn’t a scientist, I was a researcher, which was satisfying. The work I did was usually work that I was pleased to do. I was working towards my dream and getting somewhere.
But then it happened again. Hey, no drug testing, so why the hell not!? Right? Now I have lost my job, forced to resign in fact, not a slap in the face, but a nightmare neatly wrapped up in a nice dream.
Now I’m a nobody. All of that time and effort wasted. My peers have cast me aside, I’ve burned my own bridges. It’s back to the drawing board and my life is about half-way over if I’m lucky.
People tell me that I shouldn’t beat myself up. Fuck that!
Others say that I should try and find “another way.” I wouldn’t be beating a dead horse, I’d be trying to reanimate one.
I’m not saying that I won’t be able to find happiness, or that I’m not worth it. I’m just saying that I killed my own dream by letting my desires get in the way. Don’t do it to yourselves!
If you’re a social outcast, yeah it can really suck, but what is in your own mind and heart will bring you far more fulfillment in life than being part of any group. And I’m not trying to put down extroverted people here. I don’t know what it’s like to be an extrovert. I just know how alone us introverts can get, even amongst those who love us.
Getting high or drunk can be fun, but it becomes numbing once you start to get burned out. They’re just forms of instant pleasure that will give you nowhere near the amount of gratification of what working hard to achieve your goals will. I promise that if you overdo them, you will suffer in life and maybe even kill your dreams.
I hope that this letter will be helpful and that it might help some readers think before they do.
Here’s a song I love that I wish I had taken to heart when I was younger. Enjoy!