Things have been going so well lately. You’ve been so happy and positive. A college graduate. A 2yr cancer survivor. For the first time we were making plans again. About you coming to my college graduation next year. About the house in Myrtle beach I’ve always promised you. You were so weak for the last two years. I know it took every last drop of your strength surviving what you’ve been through. Its inspired me so much. All the times I was having a ‘bad day’ and I’d call you and you’d tell me about going through radiation, or how shitty the chemo made you feel, or how scared you were about an upcoming surgery. You always had so much fight in you, so much desire to live. I’ve never admired you as much as seeing the woman you’ve transformed into the last two years…a real fighter, undaunted by insurmountable odds, truly indefatigable. I pray that I got some of that from you.
Well, we just got off the phone. I should have known something was wrong. We just talked for hours recently. You’re sick again. It’s bad. Part of me felt secure in the knowledge that you’ve already beaten so much. But your voice…the way you couldn’t finish a sentence because of your sobbing. It wasn’t the positive undefeated mother I am used to. I’m afraid it’s different this time. That you don’t have the strength or will to keep fighting. That maybe even modern science can’t keep pushing this back…what it sounds like you are now believing is inevitable, and imminent.
i barely could say anything. As many times as we’ve had these conversations, it never gets easier. really only more difficult. Because every new time, the last time when I said everything was gonna be ok just seems like a lie. The last thing you said was you’re gonna make it to my graduation. But I need you for so much longer than that Mom. Nobody could do what you’ve done the last couple years, but you’ve done it, and I need you to keep doing it. To keep fighting. Because I love you, and your other children love you, and we want you here to see our graduations and our children’s graduations.