• Angels

    by  • July 7, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Hope • 0 Comments

    Dear someone who happens to stumble upon this,
    Hello. My name is Georgia and I have an averagely strange life. This is every possible thing I could ever talk about, ever remember. So here you are, stranger.

    To begin with, I live with my step-mam, dad, two half brothers and my half sister. I would never call them that aloud; When you think about it, they’re my family. Deeper than blood. Deeper than anything, even though we have our (intensely pathetic) problems.

    My womb mother is called Claire. Yes, I call her by her first name. I always have. She has never been intimate enough towards me to count as family. She’s had her chances, so many. But she took advantage of them. No more about her mistakes, there are many I could list. Like how she said my dad had caused her miscarriage; Like how she drank and took drugs while I was in the womb; Like how she never showed up for our visits, and when she did, I hated every minute.

    It was okay for a while. I was with my odd family in our average house with a seven seater car. But then I began visiting Claire’s mother and Claire’s mother’s mother. I visited the two of them every other sunday, and they never mentioned her. Happy. I was happy.

    Then Easter came. They took advantage of my religion and tried to make me forgive her. But no.

    Now I know where my loyalties lie. Now I know who I can trust. My parents, my siblings, and their families. But not my womb mother’s family. Not ever.

    There’s a massive hole in my heart where they used to be, but it’s fading, ever so slowly. And I know, I just know, that I can keep my younger siblings safe and be happy.
    I knew.

    *^*

    When I was in year 5, there was a kind teacher. I called him sir, and I always loved him as a person. He was there when I cried; He understood.

    But then HE left. There is a massive hole where he used to be also. But there have been many years since then and I’m okay without him.

    Kyran was my first boyfriend and it was the awkwardest and worst decision I ever made. He was sweet, sure, but it wasn’t worth it. I went out with him over and over again but in the end I didn’t like him at all. I took advantage of him and tried to make a replacement for the love I had lost.

    Brandon and Dylan were from America. I had online relationships with both but I regret it. Dylan’s sweet, sure, and Brandon was nice, but in the end, I couldn’t cope. I was a fool. Brandon hurt me deeply. I didn’t feel any attraction towards either but Brandon threatened to kill himself because of me and I couldn’t cope. I couldn’t.

    Luke.
    What do I say about Luke?
    I like him. You could say that. My skin heats up and my heart beats in my ears and my eyes follow him wherever he goes but I know that no matter how much I try he probably won’t ever know who I really am. And won’t care either.

    But I need him. And I know I will never, ever forget Luke, for he is beautiful.

    *^*

    I have known Shanice since we were small. I can’t remember a time when I didn’t know her. The poor girl must be so lonely. She doesn’t know how to respond to conversation. She is antisocial and hyper when she does have friends. She only trusts me. She’s annoying and cheats at our card games. She’s the strangest person you will ever meet but I will protect her.

    No matter what. For she trusts me, and that makes me very happy.

    Ellie is my friend, but a lot of the time she gets on my nerves. Yes, people may annoy her, but that gives her no right to throw death threats around like they were nothing. Sure, I love her and she’s a good friend, but despite this I believe she shouldn’t be so insensitive.

    That’s harsh, I know.

    Megan is amazing. She is the only person I can ever tell anything to and quite frankly the only one I trust. I hope she knows she’s beautiful because nobody ever seems to think so.

    And that’s very sad.

    *^*

    I hate self harm.
    People look at me strangely when I announce that. It’s my least favourite thing. I know it’s selfish to think so but I can’t even understand why people think harming themselves will heal them.

    In my life, I’ve felt so alone. I’ve felt so unappreciated. I’ve put up with bullying. I’ve cried more times than I can count, and still do. But I would never, ever even entertain the possibility of causing myself pain. I’d never hold a blade in my fingertips and say: “I’m going to make myself bleed”.

    I would never call myself strong, not ever, but I have enough strength to live.

    *^*

    I believe.

    I’m a sinner. That is true. But I believe that I can be redeemed. I get told how clever I am. My parents call me naive. I still dance around my bedroom to songs and I still sleep with a teddy bear.

    I have hope in my self and other people. I love you all. I love all the strangers who backcomb their hair and are mean to me. I love everyone.

    Quite possibly this hope will fade tomorrow and I’ll sink into a never ending ocean. But I know, I just know, that now I have found who I am.

    I want to be an author and a detective. I want a baby girl I can cuddle and a small cottage in the country. I want to go to concerts and feel the vibration of music through me.

    *^*

    This letter is called angels, because I love that song by mayday parade.

    Sometimes I feel hopeless. I know Luke will never turn up on my doorstep. I know I won’t ever become liked by everyone.
    But I have hope.

    I will write and write and write because that is my release.

    *^*

    I won’t ever write a letter like this again, so please treasure it. It’s my life. Who I am, and who I was.

    My RE teacher said I was a good person. She may not know the full story, but she believes in me. That’s what counts. Maybe I could go on and on about my mother’s best friend, or Shanice’s sisters, or my strict parents, or my friend that moved schools, or my bad temper. But I won’t.

    Because it’s not worth it. Those memories may have shaped who I am, but all of the memories I gave detail towards are what have gave me regret, or things that I have lost, and all the ones I won’t expand on are the memories I need to hold safe.

    *^*

    Today I realised three things. There are people I needed to protect, like Shanice. There are people I need to show love towards, like Ellie. And there are people I want to show love to me, like Luke.

    One day, I’ll look at the world and know I’ve done all I can. For now, I’ll be a teenage girl. But I will thrive.

    Sir told me this,
    “You’re a star. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.”

    People have took my stardom, and crushed it in their hands. But now I have it back. Sir is right, I can’t let them take it away from me.

    I will not surrender.
    I am a pisces and I will fight. Fight to get rid of labels, and homophobia. Fight to protect dogs and cats. Fight to protect others. Fight to protect education. Fight to protect homeless. Fight to protect those who need protection or redemption. Even though I’m physically weak and mentally terrified, I will fight.

    I believe in God. He saved one of my church leaders and I’m sure he’s looking after the grandad whom I never really knew properly.

    I believe. Because despite my sins, despite my mistakes and despite the bad things I continue to do, I am me

    I am a star, and nobody will take that away from me.
    Thanks.

    Love,
    Georgia.

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