• T- I should hate you but I don’t

    by  • July 5, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 3 Comments

    After all we went through, after everything I put up with for and because of you, I thought we had finally gotten past it. You saved me and I thought I could finally trust you and count on you again. But instead, I get thrown out like garbage. Pregnant with the child we had planned, talked about so much, and you throw me out and blame me. You broke my heart worse than I ever thought it could break. Here I am fighting every day to save this child, multiple doctors appointments, bed rest, trips to the emergency room, seeing the baby for the first time, hearing the heart beat, all without you. I cry over what you are missing out on, that I have to go through this alone. But I don’t hate you. I can’t. I love you so much still, I love this child we created, I wish you were here to hold me and kiss my forehead, that I could fall asleep on my spot on your chest, hearing your heart beating, and know everything will be okay. Instead I hold the pillow that every day smells less like you and cry myself to sleep while I whisper to our baby that someday her daddy will change and he will love his little princess so much. I really hope you can because this little baby who I know is a girl already, is fighting for her life and she will need her daddy. Every little girl needs a daddy, and I know you are already a great dad. I just cannot understand why you did this and why but I still defend you to everyone, I still protect you and love you. I always will, we went through too much together for me not to. I could never hate you even if I tried.

    3 Responses to T- I should hate you but I don’t

    1. @Author
      July 5, 2014 at 3:26 pm

      I’m so sorry for all the pain you are going through. I’ve no idea why he is doing this to you or what the history is. Obviously I pray you might be together, that things will work out for you and you can bring your baby princess up with love together or with a form of togetherness apart. But if that doesn’t happen for you please believe that you can give your own little princess every happiness she could possibly want in life …
      just as long as she is loved as much as life (and you) can give her she will be happy and complete. Life is what you make of it.
      All the best xxx

    2. Angie
      July 7, 2014 at 10:57 am

      I read your letter…it could have been written by me, though a decade ago. I felt such pain I collapsed in the middle of the grocery store. Yeah I know your pain. Then he begged to come back home a year after he left. I let him. I found myself praying to God to take him away 10 years later. He had become the nastiest person, hateful, controlling, yelling all the time. Just plain ugly.

      So consider. Is he scared to be a father and is running?
      Or is it he doesn’t want to be a father and is gone.
      Either way…the best you can do is to live well….without him. That way if you do let him back into your life and down the road he decides to leave again….you know you can live life without him.

      My outcome????….after thirty years of trying to be just friends with my X I finally chose to be happy and haven’t spoke to him now for two years…things haven’t been better. His son…has done the same, chose happiness.

    3. M
      July 7, 2014 at 3:12 pm

      I am the author, thank you so much for the beautiful words. It has been the sharpest pain in my heart dealing with all of this. This man I loved so much, who saw me through the worst time of my life, who I stood by through the worst moments of our relationship and never stopped loving, could just become someone so different in a matter of weeks and throw away all we had. I know this is not who he is which makes it so much more confusing and hurtful. I pray every single day he comes to his senses and realizes what he gave up, what he is losing out on. Because missing out on the moments you cannot get back, seeing the baby on that ultrasound, hearing the heartbeat, those are things I never imagined he would miss, together or not. When I’m constantly at doctor’s appointments trying to figure out if this baby has a chance to stay and live, dealing with all the decisions and heart breaking choices that come with a high risk pregnancy all alone, without him to even say it will be okay or this is what we should do, those are the days I go home, beg God to help me make the right choices since I have to do this alone. I cry my eyes out wishing this was not what my life has come to, fighting to accept the reality that someone can just so easily walk away and not look back, that he may never come back and that I may never hold this baby in my arms. Accept that after all the struggling and heart break all I will have is a broken heart and a few sonogram pictures of what never could have been. Yet I still cannot hate him, and I never will.

    Leave a Reply