For years I fought the fact that I felt different towards you. And by different I mean attracted to you…We were both 14 and both young girls in high school. A strict high school with rules and perceptions, constant reminders of what is right and wrong. It had been ingrained in us since the time we were born both coming from a religious background. Our first moments of meeting you annoyed the hell out of me and I wanted nothing to do with you. I had no interest in knowing you because with our first interaction I found you rude, bothersome and annoying. You tried to force someone I was interested in to dance with me, to pay me attention. It instead brought extreme embarrassment to me and disdain towards you. Why did you care? Stay out of it, I plead with you.
But you were never one to take direction from anyone, you followed your own set of rules. For some reason you wanted my attention and were relentless. Latching on to anything that I was involved in or show an interest towards. You incorporated yourself into the group of those that were close to me and made every attempt to catch my eye, throw me a smile. Damn you.
You eventually wore me down, but lets be honest, it did not take that long and I was not that reluctant. The more you reached out to me, the more I paid attention to you, the more I felt my attraction towards you grow. I began to be taken by your eyes, captured by your charm. I had no idea what was happening to me after all we were both females, I liked boys. Why did I feel this way about you?
We were together all the time, we became best friends. I never knew what a best friend felt let because before you I did not have a best friend nor did I believe in one. We did everything together, laugh, cry, get in trouble, go on adventures….with every moment I spent with you being your best friend, I was falling more and more in love with you.
Now at that young age, I was confused, and had no idea what I had gotten myself into. I lived in a blissful confusion, loving every minute of it. Until the break came, until you needed to run.
It has happened several times over the course of our relationship the painful severing of our connection. I have come to know that this break comes after a period of time when we become really close. I know now that it comes because you cannot deal with the realness of what you feel for me. You cannot admit that you too have loved me all these years because it is so against who you believe you are, who you have been raised to be.
But hear this. Loving me is not wrong. Me loving you is not wrong. Us being in love and enjoying each other the way we did was the furthest thing from “wrong.” I feel sometimes I have never felt more “right” than when I was with you.
It really does not matter that we both are females. It does not matter that there are those who would disapprove, as long as we approve…as long as well accept ourselves and our love for one another, nothing could be better.
I know that you are not there yet, and frankly I don’t think that you will ever be. I know we you are at right now and it is not at a place of acceptance. You broke things off almost two years ago and I can say while it was necessary it did not hurt any less. We both are in situations which we are committed to and to be fair to that things had to end.
We cannot be friends. We never were friends and you know what that’s ok and it is not wrong. It was nothing less than sublime. I love you and always will. I love you enough to let you be because having you half way hurts way more than not having you at all.