• i waited 6 years for you

    by  • July 5, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Breaking Up • 0 Comments

    Dear first love,
    Meeting you opened a new chapter in my life, and i knew that you would impact my life in a way no one else could. I was a naive 13-year old girl and you were a smart ass 15-year old with a smile as bright as the laugh you used to let out. you were my first mentally and physically. when you said you were signing up for the army i got scared you would never come back. and as stupid as our little breakups were i always had hope you would love me and nothing would change. but i was wrong. honestly i felt like the person i fell in love with died in iraq. every time you sat here telling me you don’t know who you are anymore i reminded you. when you became addicted to drugs and alcohol i stayed close and loved you through your addictions. how you don’t feel okay because of the nightmares and PTSD fueled fits that made you lash out i just took it. you made me feel like a doormat sometimes, that i wasn’t good enough, smart, pretty or worth enough and that’s why you went days to weeks without talking to me. that if i didn’t have emotional breakdowns from you screaming at me you wouldn’t look to other women for love and sex. sadly after a while i began to look as ugly as you made me feel. my hair falling out, face breaking out, weight is jumping up and down the scale. but still i would find myself running scenarios of our “happy ending” as you called it through my head constantly just to get through the day without feeling like without you i would have nothing. i wanted to turn the other cheek for everything, to forgive you and make excuses for every wrong doing you did. believing that if i truly loved you that i could forgive you for anything and everything. because that’s how love works right? but you showed me that this wasn’t love. that i was wrong and that to you, i meant nothing. i know i cheated, i know i could have made things a little better. but i still gave you my all, everything that i was and ever could be and clawed that extra mile just to be that little bit more to earn the title of “your everything” you gave me for a brief moment. i stayed with you through your deployment, the rehab visits, the psych ward visits, your mental breakdowns, and even hopped a plane from san diego to texas because you told me you needed me. so once you told me it meant nothing and that you replaced me you hurt me worse than any other. you destroyed my self-esteem.you made me truly believe i wasn’t worth anything. i want to scream, feel angry, feel stupid for believing all your lies, feel like your going to live happily ever after and think ill always be hurting, feel like crying to no end.but all i can do is feel blank on the outside. i hold this inside, i constantly feel like there’s this exploding pain in my chest and my throat feels like there’s a giant stone in it. often i feel my eyes constantly burn with tears when i see something that reminds me of you. i feel pathetic when i face the fact i might not ever be over you. you ruined who i used to be, who i could have been with you. i’m afraid to let anyone into my heart like i did you. i can’t envision myself married and sharing a family with someone now, you ruined that. remember when we made that promise that we would always love each other and that when you truly love somebody it never goes away? sadly i kept that promise. i used to believe loving you was always going to be a beautiful thing, it made me feel so good inside to be in love with you. but now it just feels like a burden. i hate who you have become i really do…but sadly i’ll always wish you’ll wake up and realize who you were and come back to me, that’s why a part of me will always be waiting for you…and then i cry remembering that day’s never going to come.

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