• Things I wish I said.

    by  • July 2, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Breaking Up • 1 Comment

    Dear Dave,

    When you broke my heart you asked me if there was anything that I had left to say. All I could choke out was “This isn’t real yet.” Now that it has been a few days and I’ve gained some perspective on the matter, yes, there is actually a lot that I need to get off my chest. Unfortunately I cannot send you this letter because I am sticking by the choice of blocking you out of my life.

    I still love you, that’s not why I’m putting up the firewalls again. I just can’t bare to see anything you are doing. You said you need to live your life before you settle down. Then you said you still love me and always will and that I was your best friend and best girlfriend you ever had, and i guess that’s why it hurt so much. Because we were fine. We were fine and that scared you. You are scared that if you don’t sleep with random strangers now you never will. I just can’t understand though why someone would risk losing the best thing they have found for a handful of mediocre things at best. If you found what’s real why would you choose to stick with the fake. I think you are depressed and make poor life decisions and I hope for you all the time that you will come up for air. I’ve even started to see you get better just by standing on the sidelines. You also said if you realize that this is the worst decision that you will beg me to take you beck.. but Fool me once shame on you.. fool me twice shame on me.. so i guess that means if you do come back you need to have a solid plan on making me believe you won’t ever leave again. I don’t have the emotional capacity to keep riding this roller coaster with you.

    The one area where we never seemed to see things the same way was that when there were bad times I always focused on the good. When there were bad times for you you let it consume you and you were incapable of realizing it would get better. Something that was merely a small tiff was an end all for you.

    now to contradict myself. I fucking miss you. all of you. every flaw. /i never took you for granted. I would wake up for work and stay still just a little longer to really feel you holding me. cause if anything ever happened in the day I knew I had that. I want you back and being strong is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But I won’t give in or up. I won’t text you in a moment of weakness. I won’t go searching for you to somehow randomly bump into you. I won’t exist in your realm. because i really want you to know and feel my absence. But when you call, and I know you will (I’m giving it a month) I will pick up and I hope you have something to tell me that’s worth my time. Because we were that couple that was so in love (real love, not infatuation) that I didn’t envy movies anymore. I had something better. And I really want it back

    Love Always
    .

    One Response to Things I wish I said.

    1. Cheryl
      July 3, 2014 at 5:23 pm

      Oh my goodness, your story sounds so similar to mine….it’s scary…it has been 5 weeks and I wish I had the strength you do…I wish so bad, I didn’t make those desparate texts and calls…we were together 13 years and share a 3 year old son…I feel your pain, and have decided as of today to take the same stance as you are…it’s hard as hell but I will do it, I will make it, i have to.
      unfortunately I still have to see my ex partner 2-3 times per week when he picks up my son, but I think I will start leaving the house right before he gets here…it’s the seeing that makes it so difficult.
      Thank you for sharing your letter that you will never send because it has given me the strength to do what i need to do.

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