OK, so, the love of my life cheated on me. In return I vowed to not have a heart again. After being cheated on, I spent the rest of my life helping other guys cheat on their girlfriends. It was how I gained control back. Hurting other people somehow felt like it was fixing my own pain. It wasn’t. But anyway you look at, that’s all I ever knew. Guys cheating. Yes, horrible excuse for what I’ve done, but here it goes. When I met you, I had no idea how much you would mean to me in the future. I played it off cool, ‘cuz that’s who I was. You meant nothing. You were just a number. We started talking everyday and you were something I’d never heard of. Actually sweet. Before you knew it, we were in a relationship. I felt as if I was thrown into it. It wasn’t me. I denied actually caring because I knew how much I actually started to. You were the only guy in there world that was 100% faithful, you gave up sex for me, you LOVED me! It scared me so much. I’ve always associated feelings with getting hurt, so I panicked. I didn’t know what to do, so instead of just ending things or telling you how I felt, I jumped the gun and beat you to the chase. I cheated on you. Not once, but three times within one week. You gave me a second chance. You found out about more lies. You gave me a third chance. I wanted to be with you, but cheating on you changed you. You weren’t the same. You were controlling like my dad and I sensed you being very violent. I created a monster and it was turning on me. I kept staying because it was my problem that I created. It was hell though. I finally broke up with you and you told me we were meant to be, that you’d always love me. I finally told you that we had to move on, because you weren’t the one. It took me a month before I realized I was wrong. I finally broke down and told my friend. It was then I heard the rumor that you had beaten your previous exes and was warned not to return to you. Part of me said, “I knew it!”. The other part of me thought this was a lie. I lay in my bed crying. This didn’t matter much because I found myself pretending that you were with me all the time. I was living in this fake life. I’d clutch my pillow at night and pretend it was you. When I’d finally fall asleep, you were there in my dreams. I never wanted to wake up, but I thought, “He’ll always love me.” You messaged me on Facebook and I ignored it. I still wanted to be ahead… But I knew what I was afraid of. I knew I had to get you back. I started planning a trip to Pittsburgh. I was going to tell you everything. I was going to be the girlfriend I wasn’t. You always begged me to fight for you, and I tried as hard as I could, but it could only be as much as I felt and it wasn’t enough. I was ready to fight harder than ever this time for you. I was ready and as crazy and stalkerish as it seemed, I was going to go to Pittsburgh to fight for you. I got on Facebook to see how you were doing… And there SHE was. Here I was finally knowing what I wanted, finally ready to pour my heart out to you, and finally ready to love you! You moved on! I was too late! How?! You said you’d love me forever! You were gonna wait! You had only said it a month ago! I’m devastated! I’ve been going through some heavy stuff in my life, and this was the cherry on top. I spent days in my room crying, not eating, not sleeping, not living. I didn’t want anyone to know what I was going through, but I finally turned to my friend again. Between crying, I said, “I think I’m in love with him.” She said, “I know.” I said, “You do? Why didn’t I? Why didn’t you tell me?” She said, “Honey, I knew you were gonna fall in love with him the day you met him.” I told her I wanted you back and I would stop at nothing. She assured me you were happy and that if you wanted to be with me, you would. So I bit my tongue, sucked it in and let you be happy. I continue to cry whenever no one’s looking and am still tryna find a way to live. It seems impossible. This pain is something I’ve only felt once and forgot that it hurt this bad. I mean emotionally, physically, everything, so painful. But this is something I have to live with, because I deserve it. All my life of hurting people and here I was living with the pain. Funny, huh? By avoiding this exact feeling, in return I actually caused it. Even though it kills me, I want you to be happy. The reason I’m writing this is because it’s the way I feel. After losing someone to death and never being able to speak my mind from being too stubborn, I never wanna leave things left unsaid again. I’m just torn because she’s in the loop now. I thought this would be a good option. If you ever break up, I’ll tell you in person, but for now, there’s this. For God sakes, the teddy bear you gave me still smells like you. Ugh, I don’t wanna cry to him anymore. Baby, I will kiss you every minute, I will remind you how much you mean to me, I’ll put my phone away at dinner, I will spoil the hell out of you, I will be a million percent completely faithful and supportive of you, and I will fight for you. I just want my boyfriend back. I miss you.
Sincerely, You Know Who
*Please share this until it gets around to Alan B.*