• The struggle in my head

    by  • June 5, 2014 • To You • 5 Comments

    Ever since we first “met”, it has felt like a part of you split itself off from you and possessed me, working on you through the agency of me as if it knew that hearing things from an outside source might be more convincing to you, that it might have a better chance of you listening to it than if it continued to talk to you through yourself and your own thoughts.

    Much as I’d like to blame it on you, or something woo-woo, I know that this is just what happens when I allow myself to become attached to someone – I become like both parent and child to that person, the ego boundaries merging to the point where I don’t know where I end and they begin, so their problems become my problems, their agenda becomes my agenda until it comes to the time when I can detach myself from them.

    It’s exhausting, frankly. Which is why I can count on one hand all the people I have allowed myself to get attached to in my adult life. Everyone else – though I may love them dearly, very much enjoy their company, be concerned for their welfare, find them interesting – I really can’t claim to give a fuck if I ever see or hear from them ever again.

    Maybe you’ll be able to ascertain an underlying pathology to that. I don’t know what it is, I don’t know why it’s the case and I don’t really care. It’s just me, it’s the way I am and whether or not it is healthy or unhealthy is, like everything, a matter of perspective.

    But the problem we have here is that I constantly feel like I am intruding on you, interfering in business that isn’t mine to interfere with, and yet I can’t stop myself from doing it because you’ve never told me not to, you’ve kind of encouraged it, and even if you don’t initially welcome some of the things I say, I know that normally, eventually, you see the truth in them and I know that there’s a chance that one day you’ll apply them to your life and free yourself from the prison you’ve trapped yourself in.

    In the meantime I spend half my life stressing over whether I’ve offended you, why you don’t want to spend much time talking to me, what is so wrong with me that you don’t pay me attention unless I stand in front of you and demand it and even then… it’s not much of your time you give me. I’ll never be special to you like you are to me, and though I understand that I have never, at base level, been able to accept it and it is a constant frustration to me, a constant hurt.

    It’s not that I think you SHOULD treat me as special, that I’m deserving of it and I’m upset at you for not doing so, it’s that I WANT you to and you don’t. I want you to want me in your life and instead you seem to take me for granted and barely seem to register me. If I don’t talk to you in a while you seem not to notice. Rather than missing me, I feel like you’re glad of the break.

    Just like everyone else, more than anything I want to be wanted, need to be needed. I wish it wasn’t so, but it is. I wish I didn’t care so deeply for you and the other people I am attached to. I wish I cared only about myself. I wish I could free myself from my own prison and live my life for me. I’ve been working on it, and theoretically I know how, but I don’t know how to take that leap.

    5 Responses to The struggle in my head

    1. Rain
      June 5, 2014 at 9:39 pm

      I feel exactly the same way about someone I care deeply for. 🙁 He was my friend, once. Not so long ago. We reconnected after a long period of being apart from one another, and I was ecstatic to find him again…We used to talk every day, but we had a misunderstanding, and I don’t know how to fix it. I’ve tried several times now to talk to him, but he keeps pushing me away. I’m not even really sure if he means to, or if he’s just hurt….. I know he thinks I lied to him about something, and its put a huge rift in our friendship…The thing though, is that I haven’t. I would prove it to him if he’d let me, but he won’t. I have loved him all my life, though. I hope somehow, he knows.

    2. @Author+@Rain
      June 7, 2014 at 11:40 am

      Ditto. You are not alone.

    3. Britney
      June 8, 2014 at 3:14 am

      Hey rain

      If he doesnt take the time to consider others and care to know your truth then realize he is a jerk and did you a favor. Maybe you lied. Maybe you didnt. Obviously his seperation is saying knowing isnt worth the effort.

      Do you think you are worth it??

      If so let him walk. Maybe in time he will realize his view was harsh. Maybe he hates you. What you need to do is start caring about yourself because this guy doesnt. Any caring person would hear you out. Now maybe he wont agree and it wont matter but atleast they make that decision based on facts instead of walking away never knowing.

      Im a great walker but the doors always open if they feel the need to explain. True sometimes explanations dont matter much and i close that door.

      Atleast you did care enough to explain. It shows character. Even if he wont allow for it. I have had quite a few that never even tried to explain after wronging me.

      Best wishes with your love

    4. T
      June 8, 2014 at 9:45 am

      Author your words are everything I try to express about my own situation and struggle to do so!
      Needless to say I understand exactly how you feel, its a hard struggle to win any control over when there are such strong feelings involved. I wish I could use your well put words to explain how I feel but I doubt he would register it, care much or be particularly moved by the sentiments. Best maintain the struggle inside my head and hope one day I get some peace, freedom or resolution 🙁
      I hope you find the same in your situation x

    5. author
      June 8, 2014 at 9:54 pm

      Thanks, T. It is difficult, and I feel more for you because in my situation I know deep down that there is mutual admiration – if I sent him this letter he would reply and reassure me that he cares about our friendship just as much as I do, but the point is that I don’t want to guilt him into saying these things. The reality is that he just has very little space for me in his life. He feels bad about that, apologises for it on occasion, but does nothing to change it and as I put up with things as they are and have no intention of playing games to try to get him to act any other way than how he chooses it’s very easy for him to get sidetracked by more pressing issues and completely forget about me, and at those times I tend to doubt the genuineness and mutuality of our friendship. C’est la vie. Always someone who seems to love more, even in platonic relationships.

      I hope you find your peace and freedom soon. I have made great strides just in the past few days through enjoying companionable silences with myself. Sounds crazy, but think about it – when was the last time you were alone and not thinking or talking to yourself or someone else in your head? When if you were in the same situation with a close friend you’d sit together in silence just observing the world going by because you are comfortable enough with them just to enjoy their presence without feeling the need to make conversation? At the end of the day, what we most need from other people is always available inside of us 🙂

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