• Redeeming my SOUL… my present and my future

    by  • May 30, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Closure • 0 Comments

    I didn’t know, was blind to it – but recently realized I have a deep wound. A well spring chock full of bitterness, hatred, anger and mistrust (of men). I kept wondering why I am still single. I mean, I am not bad looking, I am intelligent, very charming and friendly when I feel safe.
    Key word – SAFE.
    A thing that was brutally yanked off of my emotional consciousness in my formative years by parental issues. Add to that trauma-emotional abandonment by both parents as they each withdrew into their cocoons; in pain for one and guilt for the other, there was also deep seated rejection because I was ‘conceived at the wrong time’ and in many ways told/shown that I was a ‘mistake’; there was sibling rejection due to parental branding that I was a ‘bad child’… constant work in vain attempts to ‘prove them wrong, show them I am NOT a bad person, I am GOOD!’ Failure of which resulted in a thick, high, impregnable self-protective shell/wall leading to failed relationship after failed relationship… as the years passed the well spring grew deeper and darker.
    But – Not anymore.
    I am TIRED of being angry, defensive, hyper sensitive to imagined/or real rejection. TIRED of being bitter, lonely and alone. Emotionally isolated…
    I have worked long and hard to redeem my wounded soul – with lots of prayer (yes I am a Christian) and have seen true and tangible results. This day though – I asked The Lord – let it ALL END.
    I want my heart, soul and mind to be flooded and saturated with LOVE and SECURITY. I determined today that I will trust the man in my life and I am changing my blue print from “cynically waiting for him to hurt me”… to simple faith that he, to the best of his ability, is loving me in the best way he knows how… in the best way he can.
    My past stays where it is – IN THE PAST.
    Yes the world is sometimes nasty, but the world is also full of incredible beauty! I choose to have this balanced view.
    Why have I written this? Because I need to communicate it out, hear and read it myself – and change my inner dialogue – so help me God.
    CS

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