• I’m a fraud

    by  • May 29, 2014 • Confession • 0 Comments

    Brilliant and beautiful Bryan,

    I know you don’t get on such sites. So, I am safe for a short while. I don’t know where to start…I don’t know why I didn’t just delete the damn profile. I had to look, I fell for your picture instantly. I read your profile a few times and that nagging feeling made me contact you. I knew you would write me back, but it took you a few days. In that time I could have easily chatted up with someone else, but I was uninterested. If you hadn’t responded back, I would have deleted the profile and still be single today.

    I aired all my dirty laundry and baggage and still don’t understand why you wouldn’t run the other direction. I’m of average looks and probably below average intelligence. With the kids and all the damn drama in my life, the legal issue…I don’t know what you see in me. Furthermore, I don’t know where my false sense of confidence comes from when it rears it’s fucktard head…leaves me befuddled. When I actually think, I know better..he can do so much better, why would he want someone who obviously doesn’t have her shit together? Lives at home with someone who taught her all the wrong ways in life. She’s sick, I can never leave her, it’s my burden to bare. I never give enough, do anything right, clean enough…I’m selfish, I’m negative…whatever I do will fall under criticism.

    You are the healthiest relationship I have ever been in, you are such a gentleman, you make me crack up constantly, you’re such a perfectionist, you never try to impose your personal opinions upon me, you’ve never told me I should dye my hair a different color, you are always so thoughtful and considerate…you make me feel loved even though you have never said it. That’s where I obviously fucked up. I thought I might be meeting my maker and what a shame I never told Bryan that I love him. So, I told you the following weekend. I didn’t expect it back, though I had hoped for it…I got the “pretty sure” deal, but now I’m just afraid. Actions speak louder than words, and most your actions say you love me, but all of a sudden you don’t tell me I’m beautiful anymore, (which isn’t your responsibility to make me feel, but for a few months, even before you said I was, I felt so), I guess I am selfish. I want the actions and the words to match up. I admit fear of losing myself completely to you, which has already happened. You have my mangled up piece of shit heart. Broken and busted from years of childhood abuse, coupled in with bs from my adulthood. It can’t be fixed, but I’m a damn resilient fool. I could say that life dealt me some bad cards, but I’m pretty sure before God sent my soul down that I probably volunteered for the bad cards. I’m pretty twisted. I’m sorry I fucked up and told you that I love you. Truth is, I do love you…and sometimes I go emotionally numb for no apparent reason. It’s years of training and I should learn to embrace it. Maybe you get scared too, I think that sometimes, and I dare say you may have possibly set some walls up. I understand, I’m guilty to at times…I still love you. I guess it makes me a fraud to continue on…I know I’m not worthy of those words from you. I don’t know where God wants me to go from here. I don’t want to be without you, but I don’t want to waste your time either. I know life is short, and I sometimes think mine will be shorter than what others expect. ..and no I’m not suicidal. I’m sure life would be better without me, but that doesn’t make me want to die.

    I didn’t say everything I needed to say, but it feels good to vent…this is better than the pen and paper method.

    With more love than you can possibly handle,
    Not Peg

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