• Waiting…believing …Blind Faith

    by  • May 28, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Soulmate • 0 Comments

    My dearest G…So I wanted to respond to you from earlier…..I wanted to devote full attention to playing with my girls and our day and then when alone give you as always and your words, your thoughts proper devoted compassion and understanding …….I guess I know how you word things and I can read between the unwritten lines sometimes but I will give it to you ….if I had every text from the beginning of last year til now they are pretty similar and that’s why it worries me……I want you to truly embrace every day. And I know you think you do ….but I want you to be emotional and feel your way through it. Smell it, touch it, taste it, feel it…..scream at it…cry at it….punch at it….whatever it takes to bring your emotions out from under the blanket that’s smoldering your life here. That did when you were little. I know it’s June you say, but what if it’s not? What if it’s something else then? I know you’ve been through a shit ton of emotions — anger and resentment and guilt and fear and discouragement etc…goes on and on….but one thing is the same , we have an unapologetic , undeniable , fierce love that words can’t even define or give due respect to the unconditional feelings we share with one another-we are so close that I can honestly know exactly what you are feeling or thinking without having to talk or see you…my god, it’s been since last October since I’ve seen you , last January since we spoke on the phone, November before last since we really touched but I can still feel you. It’s so weird…it’s like time just is warped and stuck until we meet up again — stuck in us….I know you don’t know what to do right now…I know your tormented and torn and scared to hurt anyone hence resistant to make any move with anything in your life except for work and your new routine– outside the confinement of that security blanket. I know you are so epically confident and strong..you don’t have to say that….and I know you are so unsure of so many things because it is clouded by the blanket ….and it does date back to your childhood here….but you are here for a reason…God lead you back here….God lead you back to me….15 years later…here we are…we are stripped down sometimes until we start to rebuild ourselves the way he knows we can…..what if holy city had no cracks or scars from the wealth of culture and history ….it wouldn’t be as beautifully imperfect….that’s where character lies…learning and growing around the cracks….it shows us beauty is flawed but the flaws make us appreciate the strength that lies within to live such a existence to truly live to survive and beautifully represent every battle wound….however inflicted…you are right every action does have a reaction but they are your moves dear G and we all sometimes make wrong ones that lead up to the right ones or allow you to open up to the possibility of the right ones if that makes sense. I know you are going to be ok. I KNOW you are. I know WE are going to be ok—we love and want you in our life G…. I feel it ….I know you are going to be GREAT. As the man I yearned for to have as an example to my girls what they should strive for in a mate- a partner- it’s you I have been waiting for – it’s you I grow old with. I dreamt it. You are perfectly imperfect just like holy city, just like the logs or a candle that burn so bright and beautiful it’s different with every flicker or bit of salt air that touches it….because each and every experience brings us to the next one….but you got to light it–take off the blanket and give it oxygen…live to really see it’s potential…and you deserve something that reflects what the world sees when you are standing right in front of it, a beautiful person and soul…ready to tackle life…just like you did life right when you struggled to take your first breath when you beat the odds surviving preterm delivery….just like you did when you stood anxiously outside the pearly “orange” gates at favorite university the first time your feet got to brush up against the ground of the hill as you ran down as a Tiger…..a fighter…..just like you left everything you knew here in the dust as a young shy man who never lived outside the security of two small Southern towns ….embracing your moves and your jobs enjoying every city along the way during your journey to adulthood…just like you had the courage and vision to open your gym up north ….just like you did when you showed up at the top of the G hotel that night…we knew we had some superhuman energy that existed between us and yet you came all that way by yourself to face me, see me , talk to me after dreaming and fantasizing about me….I am SO GLAD YOU CAME…I can’t even imagine if you didn’t and I know you can’t either. You always overcame and dredged through way any obstacles that were ahead of you…..trying to deter you from what you knew you wanted …..just look at it that way…..remember how you felt before each huge act of courage…..and don’t ever give up, ever. And I know you won’t!!!!! I know it! That’s not who we are…I look at you the same as me too. Funny you said that. I’m so proud of you and expect you to continue to believe and fight! Fight to find your way- your smile- and when you do , don’t worry sweet G I’ll still be fiercely waiting….
    Ilymteg
    J

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