This Girl, this one girl got out of me what I thought was extinguished. I thought I would never, could never like anyone, fall for any girl anymore, not after what happened with the previous girl I loved. I can’t compare them, won’t compare them, will refuse to think about it because they both are poles apart. And yet, it seems I am same for both of them, their feelings towards me is quite the same. After my first love I had always thought that whatever it might be, I will love someone who loves me. She will have to love me, I will reciprocate. Howsoever far fetched it might have seemed I thought it made sense. I am no rock star, I am not someone whom a girl would even turn back and look again at. But still, I did believe that someone, someday would maybe love me if only a little bit and that would be enough for me. How much love does one really needs? And she, would have been the world to me. She would have been my queen, my princess. The girl who would have loved me.
Until this Girl came along. I fell for her, the seemingly simplicity of hers, that innocence that is so hard to find these days, the way she handles herself, the way she goes out of her way to help anyone, at times compromising on her needs and demands. I loved her demeanor. The thing is I even like things that might seem to be not so likable about her. She gets irritated, the child in her does get irritated easily but even then when she cribs about it she looks so cute and adorable. I try to make it a bit less bearable but I fail miserably there, I guess. Maybe it’s not meant to be that way. She cribs about it but handles it pretty well too. And mostly she cribs for reasons that are reasonable, rational and yet at that time I just sit there and wish that I could take her in my arms, hug her, play with her hair…kiss her forehead..and her lips. How I wish I could make her smile always. They say it takes a really special person to make you smile when the chips are down. How I wish that could have been me. It reminds me again of that phrase “and I collapsed on the top of my bunk thinking that if people were rain, I was a drizzle and she was a hurricane.”
It’s been long, very long since I write here, maybe I only do so when I need to pour my heart out. The reason that I am writing this now is because I might have unknowingly caused discomfort for her. The fact is I had always known deep down in my heart that angels don’t fall for mortals. She was an angel, a good friend of mine but certainly I was in no way her bestie or for that matter she mine’s.
I had always tried asking her to go out with me or even my small group, she never really did. I always wondered why but then she always seemingly did the same whenever any guy asked her, at least in our college. She was quite comfortable and jolly in her own group of girls (most of the girls she was best friends with have been the most wonderful girls I have ever known.) So , maybe that was the reason she never had time whenever I asked her out even in groups for movies, outings, a dinner , a coffee or even a stroll. Yes, she did oblige sometimes but mostly, I wasn’t so lucky. Maybe she knew the feelings I had for her (How I would never fathom) and maybe she wanted me at a safe distance from her.
When I thought of writing this entry I wanted to write it only for what follows now. I guess the prelude has been quite long.
Only 4 persons apart from me know that I like/love her and even then I haven’t really let them know the extent to which I do. They might even think it to be a fad or that rebounding phase. I know it’s not that.
But, it seems now that she knows that I have feelings for her. A common friend of us told us. How did she know that, I can never fathom. The 4 people who know, am sure they have nothing to do with this. And if that’s true the best I think is that she has a hunch, a guess and that is it. But what worries me is not that, not much.
She it seems has been avoiding any sort of outing with me. I have always wanted her to have a drink with me, not because she might blurt out or whatever but only because I want to talk to her, and not about my feelings for her, just talk to her, talk to her till we drift to sleep talking and talking without anyone else interfering. I want to know her, her dreams, her wishes, and maybe what she really thinks of me. Do I have even have an iota of space in her heart?
I value her friendship and yet it seems she does not want to come with me much. She used to hang out with me and my friends. She doesn’t really do so now. And it’s not that she is any less friendly with me. In fact I think we have gelled better. But, is it because of me that she is not enjoying as much as she used to? I would really hate that,
I want to tell her that she need not be afraid. She need not be afraid of what might happen. I don’t want things to be awkward between us. I will still treasure her friendship, her companionship. I don’t expect anything beyond that even though I might crave for it. It just pains me to think that I might be in ways responsible for her not having as much fun as she wants. I want to tell her that I will never make you uncomfortable. Never ever. You are a gem and you deserve a gem. I for all I know, am not one.
How I wish I knew what do you think of me.