Dear Pulse Quickener,
It’s been a total of 162 days since we last stood in front of each other. I’ve read your texts, heard your voice on the phone, and even stalked your every move on the infamous Facebook but nothing is the same as your presence. We shared so many moments in the eternal city and I never have been drawn to someone the way I was drawn to you. I was able to feel the heat radiating off your person from just across the small piazza.
That night where we walked around our city, even the beads of sweat dripping off of my body were nervous, was the moment I have never felt so alive. Standing alone with you in front of a deserted Trevi Fountain at 3 in the morning holding hands was the epitome of romance. Like fate knew we needed that moment. I told you my innermost secrets, let you in on my little quirks, and even let my guard down enough to allow you to literally carry my drunk ass home two miles. I bore my soul to you through song and shed my inhibitions. I often felt conflicted on whether the words your saying always coincided with your actions. If you felt this connection the way I did. I even confronted this issue with you…you said I wasn’t the only one with feelings.
You once told me you were glad we had met in the eternal city because what we had was eternal. Was this just another line you throw at girls or did you truly mean it? I hope you truly meant what you said because I believe it. After I came to you one drunken night and told you of my dreams of a relationship, which you promptly shot down with a bullshit excuse, I knew I had to stop idealizing the situation. We had our little romance in Roma but it wasn’t going to continue back in the United States. This is what I had always expected. I wasn’t skinny, pretty. intelligent enough for a person like you. Hell, I didn’t even know what the country club was that you so often frequent. We walk completely different paths in life but why do I feel as though they need to cross once again. I do not feel like our relationship is in the past tense. I feel there is something left to learn, say, and figure out.
I struggle comparing my new relationship to you. I honestly like my new love interest and genuinely want things to succeed and continue to grow. But I can’t help wish that the sweet things he says to me were coming from you. I don’t have that same passion I had for you, It was like flame constantly daring me to jump right on and burn not only myself but the whole house to the ground. I miss having someone in my life I connected to on all levels. I could be crazy and dance around with you at a club then turn around and have the most in depth serious conversation. I even agreed with your politics…a hard feet if I do say so myself. I miss having someone like every single song I show them and connect with it on the same level. Most of all I just miss having you there as a friend to tell you about my day and laugh at my awkward moments.
I KNOW! I SERIOUSLY KNOW I SOUND A TAD CRAZY! I know that you most likely did not feel the same way I did and the fact I am even writing this letter is enough to prove it. You must know that every little bit you give me I eat up….It’s like an addiction. I calm the monster down for awhile but as soon as I get a little taste, I’m all caught up again. You like my picture on Facebook and I’m losing my shit. This is a game to you and you know what you do to me. This only makes me wonder why I am in love with a guy that is just using me as a distraction, a game, or whatever else. I even know he confessed his love to another friend and here I sit. SO I APOLOGIZE FOR FEELING THE WAY I DO! I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY. IT IS IRRATIONAL. I just hope that I can get over this quick enough so I do not sabotage my new relationship with thinking about an egotistical asshole.
I must have lost my damn mind in Italy