• I’m sorry

    by  • May 23, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Parents • 0 Comments

    We we normal, we were happy. I thought I had the perfect family growing up. You rarely fought, you always played, you always laughed, you always talked,and you always loved us. Everything was fine…until out of the blue nothing was fine. We moved to Virginia, just as we had moved across states and continents time and time again, but this time it was different. For the first time, someone in your family wasn’t near us dad, and that wasn’t okay. Suddenly we saw your parents mom, we saw them all the time. I never realized how great they were until I actually got to spend time with them, but something about that didn’t sit right with you did it dad? You started yelling, claiming there weren’t enough pictures in the house with your family, blaming my mom, telling her to increase her anxiety medication doses if she couldn’t handle this. They had yelled at her, abused her, and never once did you stand up for her. We were family, but we weren’t your family were we. Of 21 cousins all but 3 bullied me and my sister, but did that matter? It only mattered if we told you in the car, then you sympathized, but what about when she was doing it to our faces in front of you? When I tried to fight back you scolded me, you never stood up to her or your sister for us, but why would I expect you to? You couldn’t even stand up to them when it was about your own wife! I stayed up at night listening to you stress about money, I listened to you fight with her, I listened to it all, I thought that’s all I needed to do, was listen and talk to my mom when it was all over, but it wasn’t. Suddenly you were coming down on me, but not just you dad, mom too. All the pain you were causing her made her inflict it on me. My sister got sick, she became clinically depressed, but when the doctor’s said you guys had a hand in it you fired him because he was against you. I got depressed, I wasn’t good enough. I knew you couldn’t afford the area, couldn’t afford half the things we wanted to do, that’s why I tried paying for as much as I could, I looked for as many scholarships as I could to help with college. But no, time and time again you told us all that we were the reason for your debt, hell, you told mom you’d prefer to be by yourself without debt! Of course you apologized and it was all okay after that, right?I did my best to clean up, but I needed to study so I could be the first to go to college. My cleaning wasn’t good enough, my grades weren’t good enough for you,I was spending too much time studying and not enough time paying attention to you, nothing I did was good enough. I was so depressed, but no one knew. Finally I dated, it felt good to have someone care about me, but two of them sexually and verbally abused me, the other cheated on me and left within 2 months. I didn’t feel worth it, I couldn’t please you anymore and no boy would want me, I was damaged. I tried to kill myself, I stopped, but I tried. Finally I told you, instead of listening to me you yelled. For hours I listened to you scream at me, telling me I had no reason to be depressed, my life was better than yours ever was and I had everything, I was crazy. You told me how when I was 5 I danced around you like a “demon child” as you were passed out, but at 5 how was I supposed to know? When I saw you, you were awake just laying on the floor, we all took naps on the carpet watching TV, how was I supposed to know you weren’t? You claimed you were gonna take me to a doctor, I was relieved that someone would hear me finally, but you never did. Instead it persisted, day in and out yelling because I folded laundry cleaned the bathroom, living room, my room, and computer room but didn’t think to do dishes. Yelling because I would spend days studying and not cleaning, yelling because no matter how hard I studied I couldn’t understand physics, yelling because I was taking a course with NASA and even got an internship but I wasn’t cleaning. It was too much, according to you I was doing just as much, if not less than what other high school kid’s my age did!….Finally someone came along. I told him what was going on, he listened to me, every day for 3 years. Crying, hurting, wishing to die. He was there, he listened, and he comforted me, every day until the pain went down, and I fell asleep, dreaming of better things until the bitter morning arrived. Last year I was deathly sick but no one knew why, he did though. He convinced me to tell the doctor, and I did. They diagnosed me with severe irritable bowl syndrome due to emotional and verbal abuse along with the past abuse of my ex’s. I couldn’t tell my parents how I got it, but I was relieved when the doctor said it would go away when I left for college. Guess what? He was right. I went to college and within 2 weeks almost all my symptoms were gone, at least until now. Now I’m engaged to a man who’s helped me through so much, I never met his parents until a couple of weeks ago in our 3 year relationship. I decided his graduation and commissioning ceremony was the time I needed to stand up and do something for myself, so I did. Do you know how it ended mom and dad? You yelled at me, you yelled and screamed about how much of a terrible daughter I was for staying in the house of a boy without them, you yelled because I shouldn’t know my fiance’s family before we get married, they aren’t as important as my family, you yelled because he was devious, he was hurting you on purpose and ripping me away…but do you know what the reality is? He’s not. I’m falling away because of you. Almost a year of relief, and now I’m sick again. You’ve spent so many years making me feel worthless, I joined the military and am paying for my school now but to you it isn’t enough, I did everything I could to make things easier for you, everything to make you proud, and happy. But you know what? I’m done doing this, I’m done making myself sick. You spent these last few weeks sending me my medical bills to pay for, taking me off car insurance before I could even buy my car, telling me if I want to come home I have to pay for my own tickets and cab….I don’t have the money. You make over 150k a year, I make 300 a month. I can’t pay for it. I can’t be the perfect daughter, I can’t be everything you want me to be. I know this is going to hurt you, and it’s eating away at me that I will, but I need to do this for me, I need to heal. I still see the family I did 6 years ago before everything collapsed, before you decided I wasn’t good enough anymore. We were a happy family, I’ll always have that in mind….but until you stop torturing me, I can’t do it anymore….I love you guys….but I just can’t, for now, I don’t know what I’m going to do, I might go home to you next month, or I might try to enjoy as much as I can for a few months with my fiance. Time will tell, if I wasn’t so scared maybe this would be an easier decision. He tried mom, he really did, he cooked, cleaned, and did everything he could for you, he didn’t hurt you on purpose. I know it’s hard to see, but he really cared about you, and was worried about you when he heard what dad says to you, but now he’s worried about me. He wants me to be okay and he wants me to feel safe, even if that means not going home….I guess the one good thing is that this is bringing you both together, maybe now you can realize together how much damage you caused me. I love you. I’m sorry. I hope I make the right decision.

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