• The biggest idiot …

    by  • May 22, 2014 • * Safe for Work *, Confusion • 5 Comments

    That’s me by the way … over you … and I never ever learn do I!
    You make me feel so amazing when we are together. Then generally you cut me dead afterwards and I hear nothing from you unless I instigate conversations.
    But this time you sent me a really lovely message … unprompted, like you used to (a long time ago) … and I fell for it, I responded and guess what … nothing! What is it with you? Do you just like dangling the carrot then snatching it away again? Every time I make the mistake of letting out a little of my feelings you manage to make me feel like a complete idiot. I know damn well when you’re online so you can’t be that bloody busy … there’s obviously things/people that are of interest to you online, just not me. The mistake I make is thinking that you want to be in contact with me, like I want to be with you … when actually, in reality I don’t really think you give much of a shit … and actually, in reality I’m clearly just not very important to you.
    I guess it is what it is … I just really wish I knew what ‘it’ is to you because you give such mixed signals. Maybe next time you ask me what I’m thinking I should tell you … “I’m thinking that even though we can’t be together I’m so much in love with you that you’re the last thing I think of before I fall asleep and the first thing I think of when I wake up … that every time my mind has chance to wander it’s you it wanders to … that the place I feel happiest is in your arms … that you’re my sanctuary, my refuge and my dreams … please don’t ever go because I need you in my life”
    But I won’t tell you any of that, just in case you do go. I’ll just shake my head like I always do and instead I’ll write it here … because at least here I can voice it safely and let it out, without fear of not hearing it back or of losing what we do have (whatever that is). Because I need to not be that biggest idiot if I can help it. They say write things down in a letter even if you’ll never send it. Well this is mine

    5 Responses to The biggest idiot …

    1. Same
      May 22, 2014 at 6:19 pm

      I could have written this. I completely relate to your story and if its any consolation, you are not alone. So eerily similiar I wonder if we are talking about the same person. Unfortunelty the truth is, there are many people out there like those we are dealing with. Ive come to my breaking point recently and I am very sad about it, but I am walking away. What kills me is that I know I can force my mind to move on but my heart is a different story. Good luck to you author, and thank you for expressing yourself and writing the things some of us have a hard time doing ourselves. πŸ™‚

    2. Author
      May 25, 2014 at 1:41 pm

      Thanks for your response. It’s nice to hear I’m not the only one in this situation, nice to know I’m not alone!
      I read something recently which said:
      “You can close your eyes to what you don’t want to see: but you can’t close your heart to what you don’t want to feel”. … probably very apt. I wish you (well both of us really) all the best with the situation, especially if you are finding the strength to walk away. I can’t walk away, I still need him in my life … I just wish he needed me as much

    3. forget your fear and dare to lose them
      May 26, 2014 at 9:52 am

      You’re afraid of losing what you have with your person, but you’re not able to talk to them? Honestly, how much worse can it get? Losing your fantasy? This could be a good thing. It could free you from delusions and help you to move on. Dare to crash and burn, be honest with them, tell them what you want / don’t want / expect from them. Otherwise it can happen that the thought of them puts your life on hold (whether you want it or not) and you miss out on much better things.

    4. T
      May 26, 2014 at 1:56 pm

      @forget your fear
      You are so right! I know I should crash and burn and be done with it. Tell him how I feel, find out one way or another how he really feels and them move on (one way or another). The problem probably is though that I really don’t want to be done with it … and probably I don’t want to have to move on either! I desperately want him to love me like I love him, but I don’t know where it could go after that and it would scare me … such a mess of a situation. Remember what they said in the film Pretty Woman: I want the fairy tale … impossible relationships
      I’d love to imagine me and him working out in the end, but I just can’t see it happening, I love him more than I can say though

    5. forget your fear
      May 28, 2014 at 6:04 am

      I totally understand you. Nobody forces you to hurry and leave your mental fairytale as long as you are not ready. Take your time. I just tried to prepare you that some time in the future you might have to face a truth you don’t want to see.

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