• Novacane

    by  • May 22, 2014 • To You • 0 Comments

    For every heads theres a tails. Let me start off by saying (or really repeating what you once said), that I should probably be committed somewhere – theres absolutely no way I should have been able to succeed in my profession the way I have given my Lunacy. And really that’s just the start. You said once that you thought I had an obsession with you. Ummmm…ding ding ding we have a winner. But honestly, you have no idea. I don’t know that I’ve gone three continuous hours (awake or asleep) without thinking about you since I met you, and that was almost two years ago. My reputation for “threatening” you probably makes sense to everyone who knows how I feel about you. That really hurts me a lot, you know. I would NEVER wish ill upon you. Even if we’re never together I want you to have the greatest fucking life ever. You soooo deserve it.

    Why am I so deluded? All of your friends tell me we will never be together. Like never never. They tell me Im just not your type. You’ve basically told me the same countless times. But you know, I am fucking crazy, and I keep hearing what a liar you are…now I can’t believe in anything 100%. I know you’ve lied to me, I know your friends have lied to me. I feel like I have been manipulated by you and through them this whole time. Of course, we both know the only way to train a dog is to “hit him on the nose”. I just didn’t think I was the dog when I said that. My sanity is a threadbare patchwork composed of me deciding to only believe what I want to believe. I know that if I ever completely acknowledge that you don’t love me the way I want that it will Eviscerate me. I’ve staked too much upon the happy family it seems we only have in parallel universes.

    But has it really all been unrequited? Was this just some puppy love limerence bullshit I developed for you? I wondered about that for awhile, but you know, almost two years later I’m pretty sure it wasn’t. I mean, I love you completely. I have never doubted that. But, (at least for the last year) I’ve really felt like you love me too. Not that you actually ever told me “I love you” (in those exact words), but I can just feel it. Fuck your puh puh puh poker face, I’ve figured out your ‘tell’. Its your smile. You have the regular smile you can flash at a seconds notice to make a stranger feel comfortable. But with me you have two other smiles too. You have one, when you’re being extremely clever. Like when you say you want to “marry a ______________”. Or when you tell me about your genius idea for an app…that apparently LINS beat you to. Then you have another smile…it’s rare…but I see it whenever I proudly share my accomplishments with you, or when you decide to really open up to me. That smile is heaven. That’s the smile that says “we’re gonna remember this moment 50 years from now”.

    But I didn’t fall in love with just your smile. At the beginning, I just really really liked talking to you. I eventually mustered up the courage to tell you that I liked you, and you said you liked me too. A couple months later you told me that “________________, it would be you.” Then I spent my birthday with you…you made my day :). A few months after that, you called me your boyfriend. A month later you told me you were seeing someone else. I was so fucking angry, I felt played. I didn’t talk to you for awhile after that. But you kept trying to get my attention. There was the artist, the two (remarkably similar) pictures, the music, the poems, the little girl, the ‘method of transportation’ and most significantly, THE song. The last song. Although it wasn’t really the last one, because there was at least one more after that. But you know why THAT one is so important to me. I have never cried so hard. Just pure tears of joy.

    That wasn’t even nearly the end. After that things got really difficult. I was still so angry at you. When you told me you didn’t want me to be mad at you, I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t know what you were apologizing for (or even if you were). I can usually tell when you’re trying to say that you’re sorry, but I never know exactly what youre apologizing for. The whole time, you treated me like THE VIP. You organized ‘situations’ you knew I would excel in (Stalker! haha coming from me). Then there was V-Day. Ummm yeah so you know I was drunk. You have no idea how drunk I really was. I pregamed our date pretty hard. I don’t know if I’ve ever been so nervous about anything in my life. But you know what, that night (aside from my inebriation) was perfection. Initially I thought you would be a huge bitch, but you were so happy to spend the night with me. That’s probably my best Valentines ever.

    Really there’s even more than that. Remember that part where I said I’m fucking crazy. Yeah well the paranoia that comes from that has led me to “recognize” a million other signs from you or those close to you. I can’t even describe all that anonymously. The moderators (who I sometimes think are you, oh mighty Wizard of LINS) will try to lock me up. I’ve just always believed that as crazy as I am, that you are even crazier. And that’s probably true, but it doesn’t mean my Lunacy is justified.

    Of course, there’s the SO. In this version of things, everything is as I’ve been told it is. So yeah, I hate that person. They hate me too. I tell myself that above all else I just want you to be happy…but seeing you two together kills me inside. Because it makes me feel like a fool. It makes me feel like a pathetic little boy that just got rejected by his elementary school crush. It makes me feel inadequate, because no matter what I do, I cannot fairly compete with this person for your love. And you told me how similar we are…was that your way of ‘letting me down easy’? cuz that only makes things worse. You fed me their candy???? If I would have known then where that candy came from, that would have been the first time I ever forced myself to throw up. You remember that song…not THAT song…but that song. How I thought I was the second guy, but later realized I was the first guy. Man, when you brought that up, I had so much to say…but I was about 6 sheets to the wind at the point. Yeah I fucking hate that song, but I still listen to it all the time. You know why? Cuz I go last bitch! Anyways, I never said it directly, and I aint gonna ask him, but you should leave your boyfriend…now. We may be similar, yet difficult to compare. But Im better. And you know it. I’m not just “the best of the worst”. I’m just the best. And so are you. And that’s why we belong together, because the best deserves the best, or as Mercedes Benz says, “Das Beste oder nichts”.

    Anyways, in summary, my brain has been screaming at me for almost two years that I am fucking crazy. That I’m living a fantasy that will completely destroy me when it unravels. Honestly, it probably already did on both accounts. People who barely know me, or just know of me, think I’m a pretty nice guy. People who know me well think there’s something wrong with me but they don’t know what it is. The people closest to me know I’m crazy because and for you, but not even they have any conception of what a Lunatic I truly am. Only you really know that about me. I’ve come to this place where I believe every favorable indicator of your intentions and dismiss all the unfavorable ones as just more lies or tests. I guess I figured if I can’t have bliss through you then I’ll take it through ignorance. Or more specifically denial. I mean what was I thinking in the first place. I’m a shy, narcissistic, alcoholic underachiever. And you. You’re a fucking goddess. I think that’s the best way of saying it because I feel like I literally worship you. Or maybe just the idea of you. Or maybe just the grand future I see for us. I know this is not healthy, but frankly dear, I just don’t give a damn. I don’t care that I am now skeptical of everything, mostly myself. I don’t care that my reputation is shit, mostly because “I brought it upon myself” (some of your most (in)famous words), but at least in some small part because of lies you’ve told about me. I don’t care that my entire life is built upon a lie that I keep feeding myself. Because at the end of the day, I just love you. Every time we fight I get so scared that it will be the end. Maybe we’re there now. I’m going to continue denying that possibility. For the time being, I need to believe in us. My love for you cannot be swayed, but maybe its time for me to clean out my head, because it seems I’m the only one in love.

    But you know those parallel universes I was talking about earlier? Well, there’s one of them where we’re happily together. We have the most fabulous life imaginable. Two kids. The boy is obviously named after the greatest Roman generals, and the girl is named after your mother. We have great sex every day, all of our fights are resolved quickly and amicably, and we grow old together. How do I know all this? Well I’ve never left this planet, but I go there every night in my dreams.

    Leave a Reply