I told myself I wasn’t going to write here anymore. But the sleepless nights keep piling up. I need to write to you, whether or not you see this. Maybe I can get some sleep then. You see, I have so many questions, either unanswered or unsatisfactorily so. You know Im a fan of creating theories regarding our relationship. At first, I said I had 4. Now I only have 2, completely opposite. This letter is from my heart. There will be another from my brain.
I love you. I can’t help it. You really are so fucking special. I love EVERYTHING about you…your face (made up or not), your body, your hands, your smile, your intelligence, even your voice. Do you realize how amazing your voice is? I can’t put my finger on it, but it is soooo damn appealing.
I’ve told girls “I love you” before, and I think I’ve always meant it, but its so different with you. When I’m with you, this crazy idea starts slowly creeping up on me. I try to push it away, I tell myself I’m a “lunatic”, but its just gets stronger and stronger. That crazy idea is that we will be married someday, and have a family together. No thought brings me more joy. How is it possible, given the circumstances of our relationship, that I can be so completely confident I want to spend the rest of my life with you? That I want my children to be born from and raised by you? My God, you will be a fantastic mother. I bet you don’t even think so, but you will be. You have a great example :).
So why are we not together? Shit, I know I’ve made so many mistakes over the last almost-2 years. You kept waiting around for me though, for me to grow up, for me to become more confident, for me to stop being scared of you. Well, we’re still in progress on all three. Believe me, I’m trying so hard. Everytime I have a big decision, or I have to do something difficult or unpleasant, I think about you, about our future, and how I would go to hell and back, and back to hell and back, to make that happen. Thinking about you makes me feel invincible. Hardship? Adversity? Sacrifice? Pain?…I’ve gone through it all with you, and am so much stronger now for it, how can life challenge ME???
I know you like your (games/tests) – whatever you wanna call it. I used to really dislike that about you. But I kinda think I get it now. How many men come onto you on a regular basis? I can’t even imagine. The fact I made it through so many filters is not a testament to my perseverance but to your selectivity – which I think is awesome. I always tell my sister, “WW_D?” You have way too much self-esteem to let the first smooth talker get to you. And so you play (games/tests). And Ive probably failed more than Ive passed. But you know what, after all this time…I really, really, really like playing with you. Its fun, you know. You’re so fucking smart, the opportunity to match wits with the only person I know of (at least) equal intelligence is irresistible. I told you once that you were “full of surprises”, and I meant it negatively at the time, but you really are, and I love it, because I know that we could spend the next million years together and I would never grow bored of you or take you for granted.
So, almost two years in…wow, timeflies. I hate that I can’t talk about you. People used to ask me about you a lot until they realized that I always would deflect the question and change the subject. I remember at the beginning when you had a problem with the way I talked about us, but I really get it now. Unfortunately, we’ve never been at the point where there was really anything to talk about. Again I hate it. I hear people say good things about you, and I want to be like, you don’t even know she is so fucking amazing. And I hear people talk shit about you, and I wanna be like, fuck you dick you don’t know shit. Alas, I can’t talk about you. But its ok, because I don’t need any guy to tell me, oh yeah shes banging you should hit that, or any girl telling me that were so good together. None of them would understand. We’re almost two years in, but I had my ‘friends’ telling me I should “drop” you after I hadn’t fucked you in the first month. Ordinarily, I probably would have agreed. But not with you. I like to tell myself I would wait for the rest of my life to be with you. But the truth is there is probably only one year left. Please understand that’s not an ultimatum, I don’t do that shit. But I think you can understand what Im getting at.
Anyways, in summary, my heart has been telling me for so long…you are the one. The only one. Mrs. ______________. Mother of my babies. Your mom is my mom. Your home is my home. We were created for each other. I know somewhere in you, you feel the same. This isn’t unrequited love, because I really believe you love me too. I miss you so fucking bad but currently theres not really anything I can do about it. Please, please, please, reach out to me if you want to. Yeah I get angry at you, nobody pisses me off like you do. But I bet you’d say the same thing. None of that matters. I’m at the point now…where I actually stand where I’ve always said I stand . I don’t care. About anything. All I want is you. The love I have for you will never completely dissipate. Unfortunately, the way things stand, you have to come to me now, but I will always be there waiting to hear from you.