I’m sat here smiling because I’m thinking of you, it’s this stupid thing that happens on average once every 20 minutes.
It’s not always all smiles, sometimes there’s some frowning, maybe even tears. That’s just because this is all so new to me, feelings that I’m not used to feeling, smiles that my face isn’t used to feeling.
I’m kinda crazy about you… I’m not convinced you’ve really noticed though.
I know that you have been hurt and I know you don’t feel like you have much self esteem, but I don’t think you know how wonderful you are to me. I find you utterly fascinating and entirely captivating without knowing how, or understanding why.
I’m crazy about you when you’re sad, when you’re happy, when you’re smug, when you’re grumpy and even when you fall asleep when we’re watching tv.
I’ve been holding back on saying a lot of things to you (well, anything really) because I don’t want to be too much for you, I don’t want to be overbearing. Perhaps because I can’t find the words, but mostly because you said you weren’t ready.
I know that you care about me, I know you trust me (even if you’re so stubborn you don’t admit it.)
I want to be there when you’re at your saddest to hold your hand. I want to be then when you’re at your happiest because I can’t hold back my smile when I see yours. I want to show you how great you are because you deserve to see yourself like that. I want to make you feel as safe with me as I feel with you, I want to show you the comfort that you unknowingly provide me and share that comfort with you.
I don’t want you to stop being you to make room for me, I don’t even want you to get rid of that hat that I hate and won’t stop telling you to get rid of, because you just love it so much. I love how important your parents are to you and I don’t want to ever get in the way of that. I love that you’re so different to me, I wouldn’t ever dream of trying to change your passions.
I don’t want to change your life, I just want to be a bigger part of it.
Most of all I want to tell you all of this. I want to tell you that every time I think of you – even when I’m mad at you for not telling me how you feel – this huge, stupid smile creeps up on my face.
I don’t know if you’re feeling any of this and I’m scared you know? I’m scared I’m going to fuck us up somehow. Here’s hoping that I’ll find the courage to tell you.